Friday, December 26, 2008

Stop the presses!


Stop what you are doing. Seriously, stop right now. There is breaking news from the sporting world. News so shocking that you may need a glass of water, five minutes for mourning and free long distance to call a loved one.

Ready for it?

BRETT FAVRE IS HINTING AT RETIREMENT.

You don't say?! Brett Favre, retire? Why on earth would a 39-year-old with an antique shoulder who just wants to hunt, text GM's and come out of retirement, want to retire?

Brett Favre missed the memo. It is not necessary to retire at the end of each season. As each season comes to a close, Brett, each player engages in what's called an "off season." Say it with me now, nice and slow - offff seeassoon.

A normal off season? Maybe a vacation with the family followed closely by a strictly-regimented workout plan.

But a Favre off season? First, swear off retirement. Let everyone know that you feel "great" and that you "still feel like you can contribute". The day after your press conference announcing your non-retirement, send a text message to your agent mentioning that you have an itch to retire. Make sure this text finds its way to Peter King. Once this headline dominates SportsCenter, hold another press conference and state that you have no idea where all this talk about retirement came from, and that you still feel "great" and "just want to hunt". After declaring your love for hunting and not retiring, simply disappear for three weeks in Mississippi claiming the need "to think about some things". Lastly, emerge shortly after training camp ends and state that you are "fit to play, and still ready to compete". If all goes as planned (and how things have gone the last five years), you'll be playing football holding a new franchise for ransom in no time.

And now, in light of this "event", my least favorite sporting events of the year.

1. The NFL draft (see also, offensive lineman drafted in the seventh round)
2. Brett Favre retiring (considered an actual event after happening at least once a year since 2001.)
3. College Football Bowl Season (see below post)

Monday, December 8, 2008

Amped up for the EagleBank bowl game!


I'm shaking with excitement as I type. Can you guess why? No, it's not the small cup of fatty caffeine I just swiped from Starbucks. No, it's not the fact that Brett Favre has lost two weeks in a row. And no, it has nothing to do with March Madness being three and a half months away. It's college football bowl season which means it's time to anxiously await games like the EagleBank bowl game, R+L Carriers bowl game, and for all you pizza lovers, the papajohns.com bowl game.

You see when I realize it's bowl season, the soundtrack of my life plays a lonely cricket chirping in a field. Or maybe awkward applause.

Why?

Because the majority of these bowl games are similar to first round March Madness games. While more evenly matched than, say, a 1 v. 16 college basketball matchup, games like Wake Forest vs. Navy, Colorado vs. Fresno State and Memphis vs. South Florida are sure to provide some excitement. But what's the most exciting part about the first round games in March? Your team has the chance to move on and play again! In college football? Nope. Here you go, TCU, congrats on winning the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsetta Bowl! You now have better credit than the team you just defeated.

Ok, Oklahoma vs. Florida has a chance to be a good game - too bad you have to wait 40 something days to find out.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Your obligatory pet peeve post


What, did you think I found it in myself to quit complaining? Not a chance.

Here we go...

1. Leaf Blowers - Easily the most annoying and useless member of the yard work family. Explain to me the importance and necessity of getting grass off your sidewalk. More so, explain to me the necessity of getting the grass off the sidewalk right outside my window, every Saturday, at 8:30am. *Side note - how bad would it suck to be grass? Think about it. You get run over and chopped once a week, left for dead in the winter, replaced by auto-grass if you don't perform, can't even rest on sidewalks and dogs are SUPPOSED to shit on you!?


2. Sitting through voicemail instructions prior to leaving a voicemail
- Thanks, 1990, for telling me I can press 1 to leave a message, press 2 to page this person, press 3 to leave a numeric message, press # to review my message, press * for Spanish and of course, press the end button to hang up. A numeric message? Really? What, are we supposed to be fluent in L33t speak now? Idiots. Shorten it up.
*h3y, gr8 2 h3r3 4rom y0u. Ca77 m3!

3. Can't work the Canon - I see it time and time again, but people who don't understand the basic rules for operating a camera drive me nuts. One, do not take a picture with the sun directly behind you. You will be reduced to a confused silhouette. Two, your flash is not a get out of jail free card for poor lighting, especially at night. If you can barely see what you're shooting, the flash is useless. Three, resist using the flash as a method to heat someone's face. There is no reason to stick the camera close enough to identify a zit from 6th grade.

A generous estimation - when shooting people with flash, no closer than three feet, no further than ten.

Camera idiocy has infected the cell phone-touting public as well. Please sir, your two year old Blackberry will not capture the end zone celebration at the Jets game, especially when you're in the 700 section. What do you think this is, Mission Impossible 4? And even if you do snap what you think is a keeper, when the heck are you going to use it? You plan on showing your friends that? "Uh, great shot Phil, I can get a better shot on google maps."

I'm not saying cell phone cameras are useless, but you'll get nowhere if you don't understand the limitations of your lens.


4. Time Warner Cable -
Ah, the grand daddy of them all. This could, and may be, on everyone's pet peeve list. And why limit ourselves to Time Warner? Cable companies in general are a pain in your seat cushion. Just yesterday I called to inquire as to why my Internet serviced had suddenly quit. I did my part, checked the cable connections, router settings and power cycled all the appropriate equipment.

So when push comes to getting shot, I whip out the iWontWork phone and dial up 1-888-TWCABLE. Who is there to greet me? An automated operator of course. But this special auto bot asks for your phone number. Ok, I say, and oblige. Then, I'm dumped into another system - more questions, and again, I'm asked for my phone number. So two minutes in, and I've given out my phone number twice, and received nothing in return except a mind-numbingly excessive message from the hold "music" that "Time Warner is all the best!".

Right.

Anyway, minutes later, after memorizing the hold message while mouthing the words, I'm finally greeted by a human. And the first question I get? You guessed it, what's your phone number. WHAT THE HELL, people!? I called you with a question and I've done nothing but answer them for the first six minutes of this call. I understand this information is to "help us better serve you" and I'm fine with that - under the condition that you use it!

And don't even get me started (too late) on the paper mailings from Time Warner. Please, send me more information about your digital phone service for only $29.95 a month! Maybe this time the envelope will even make it into my kitchen, rather than getting ripped up the instant I take it out of the mailbox.

And I'm sure this is all part of Time Warner's attempt to "Go Green".

Friday, November 7, 2008

Back on the board

Ridiculousnessocity has been ridiculousness-less for long enough, so I'm off the bench like James Posey. Here we go...

iWontWork

Time to pull back the covers on the device that, not so long ago, swept the nation off its feet and into line - the iPhone 3G. Expecting rave reviews? Look elsewhere.

This phone continues to suck itself into a funnel of suckiness - amidst a bundle of "updates" and other iPhony Apple ploys to cover their tail. Truth is, the iPhone isn't half bad at everything BUT the phone function. Nothing like your calls dropping faster than freshmen in Math 001. Once a day, without a doubt. In fact, a day with just one "call failed" is a day of joy, celebration and a call to customer service to inquire why things are working. Ever hear those "more bars in more places" commercials from At&t? What they fail to mention is that a bar is as useful as a dead wombat. What the hell am I going to do with 5 dead wombats? Seriously, your coverage has more holes than the Chief's secondary and O.J's defense argument (either trial). The latest malfunction has the ear piece speaker choosing not to work at its own discretion. Don't worry, not being able to hear the other end of a phone conversation isn't that important. I mean there's always texting, email and carrier pigeons.


Happy, happy from the US Postal Service!

I could go on an absolute tear (pun intended) about the postal workers here in Los Angeles, but in fear that one may be reading while updating their "to kill" list and cleaning an M-16, I'll resist. However, take a second to observe photographic evidence that someone, somewhere really, really wanted to hear a singing birthday card. What song was it supposed to sing? That, I'll never know. By the looks of the card, it released a noise causing a postal worker to ...wait for it... GO POSTAL. Keep in mind that I made no attempt to alter the state of the card before this picture. It came just like this, inside a plastic bad with a rubber band around it. So, thanks, Postmaster. Way to tear me a new one.





Long distance dilema

I try to stay away from too much personal talk on my blog, seeing that it's visible to any human with a computer and Internet connection (including those wacky Mandanises). But I suppose I'll let you in on the perils of my long distance relationship. That pretty young creature in the pink dress atop this page is my girlfriend. Has been for nearly 11 months. Wonderful girl who I have the absolute best time with when we're together. Problem is, we're never together. I live in LA, she lives in KC. We get about four days a month, and that's on a good month. Sounds easy, right? Suck it up for the 25 or so days in between? Well, it doesn't work like that. No amount of texts, emails, calls, letters, flowers, and smoke signals can make up for the simplicity and comfort of being face to face with your significant other. I'd be lying if I told you I thought it would be easy, but I'd also be lying if I said I thought it'd be this hard. So when is too little not enough? Sounds dumb, I know. I just hope I don't have to answer that question any time soon. If you're reading, Ky, thanks for putting up with me for this long. Its been a hell of a ride.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Yes, keyboards in California still work.

I must start and finish this post with a profuse apology to you, you, you, her and myself (that covers it!) for taking 45 days off from peppering your monitors with my random, scrambled egg-like thoughts.

I promise, the days of a stale ridiculousnessocity are coming to an end.

As for now, I'm gathering a game plan to prevent a fossil from taking office. Only time, Missouri, Florida and a handful of other meth-producing states will tell until then.

More coming soon...

Sunday, September 14, 2008

From King Carl with love


Dear Chiefs fan,

Hi there. We're glad you're up early on the west coast, ready to spend your morning hours watching professional athletes put on a show. After all, that is what we're paid to do. However, before things get complicated, we would like to take this time to specify how we define entertainment.

Today, against the Raiders, we're going to showcase our youth and depth at quarterback. Please be patient as we rotate three quaterbacks before halftime. Also, please note that our running game is still in BETA form* - but 55 total rushing yards is appropriate when your team focus is on defense, right?

Hopefully we'll have this whole winning this figured out by week 14, just enough time to slide up in the draft for next year!

Warmest regards,

Your 2008 Kansas City Chiefs

Thursday, September 4, 2008

T.O vs. Bolt or Ocho Cinco vs. Michael Phelps?




In a stunning development, it seems that Chad Ocho Cinco* and Terrell Owens feel as if they're lacking in the attention department. These two NFL ball hawks have had it up to here (insert marginally tall, imaginary line) with all the circus and celebration over Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt. What, you didn't know Chad Spanglish was a three time Charles Hadley pool champ? You didn't know Terrell "iPopcorn" Owens was faster (with a 20 yard head start) than Lightning Bolt? How foolish of you to doubt the all-world, all-everything abilities of these two NFLer's. Some say such claims are foolish. But why doubt a man who beat a horse, unfair and no where near square?

Rather than ask who would win their respective contest, I'm interested in which of these races would be more fun to watch?

I'll turn this over to the question of the week.

In classic PTI style, who ya got?

Terrell Owens vs. Usain Bolt
-or-
Chad Ocho Cinco vs. Michael Phelps

*Yes, that's right, Chad Ocho Cinco. Formerly known as Chad Johnson. When your career hits a slow spot, go Diddy or Prince and drop a "formerly known as" on them.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

You must resist the Hippie Lettuce at basketball camp

Perhaps Shady's nickname is coming into fruition. This just in from ESPN.com, but it seems that our KU hoop heroes Rio and Shady were given a $20,000 slap on the wrist and sent home from the NBA's rookie transition program for dabbling in some Keon Clark (marijuana, for those of you not named Red kid) . As updates keep coming in from my tightly-wound KU circle, it seems that Michael Beasley may have also been in the room. Another report states that Rio and Co. were hosting a few lady friends.

Just a guess, but I'm thinking (along with Josh Howard) that most of the NBA knows their way around a bag of green stuff. But guys, why bring a bag of the lettuce to a camp that's probably closer to a D.A.R.E convention than a night out at the Hawk? (Minus 1 for Hawk reference).

I hope this doesn't interfere too much with their respective rookie campaigns, especially with Rio being close to a starting spot.

Live and learn when to burn, fellas.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Google Analytics will break you down, one report at a time

I was unaware that my overall site visitation number possessed the ability to actually drop as if people were "un"visiting the site. Dear Internet, is such a thing possible?

*Flashback to classic Dwight Schrute quote*
Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.

So back to the matter at hand. Maybe I didn't read the fine print, but why is Mr. Google Analytic playing with my emotions? I'm trying to set a monthly attendance record here, machine - I have goals to achieve!

From what I can tell, the overall numbers are dropping, but the daily visitation looks to be correct. More confused than an LPGA golfer who doesn't speak English? Me too.

So, while I straighten out my count meter, let me say thanks (again) for visiting and unvisiting my site. Also, I'd like send a shout out to my Oregon and Georgia reader(s). Your visitation will not go unnoticed unless Google Analytics feels the need to take you away from me as well.

State Reader Rankings: (CA doesn't count)
1.Kansas
2.Ohio
3.Texas
4.Missouri
5.North Carolina

Get your state on the map, people.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Wade Boggs does not know where your Miller Lite went


I now present to the few faithful readers remaining, one of the greatest behind-the-scenes tales ever told.

Enter the world of Wade Boggs. Boggs was a central sports figure of my childhood days in Beantown. Anchoring the then mediocre Sox with the likes of a young - and "Vitamin B" free - Clemens, Boggs was an every day hitting machine. All I knew about the guy as a young tot was that he wore black eye paint under his eyes, ate all kinds of chicken before games and could hit a Chinese table tennis spin serve in a full count situation with runners in scoring position to any field.

What I didn't know? Boggs could drink a camel out of the desert.

Of course after his glory days in Boston, Wade jumped ship to the Evil Empire, setting the precedent soon to be followed by Mr. Vitamin B, Johnny NoLongerJesus Damon and Manny TheHumanHeadache Ramirez.

Keep taking the Steinbrenner's money, fellas. We'll take the rings for now.

*Shout out to Pullin The Trigger for the scoop...

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Yes, Tiger is that good.

video

A neat commercial with the man himself takin' one off a lily pad in a pond.

Tiger: "Stevie, what's this look like?"

Stevie: "Oy, Tiga, go with the water socks and a bullish noine iron, no?"

Tiger: *Flahses chicklets* "Sure thing". *Stuffs shot to 8 inches of pin*

Come back, Tiger. I haven't watched a stroke of golf in damn near two months.

Street parking available!


Somewhere, the Governor of Chaleeforneya cringes and a Prius owner snickers.

Kite surfing in a hurricane should be on your bucket list


High winds + human attached to a kite + local television crew = 5 minutes of my morning wasted on the Internet laughing at a human tumbleweed.

Video here...

Make sure to stick around for the slow-motion replay

(Via TBL)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Usainity!


So I'm behind like a caboose on this one, but Usain Bolt is no one-trick pony. To make the easy comparison, "Lighting" is the ground version of Michael Phelps. Boy can flat out RUN. After making the 100 meter field look foolish, Bolt goes for the 200 meter gold tonight (or today, or yesterday or tomorrow? I have no idea, China).

Sure he makes Terrel Owens look modest, but when you dust the field by two body lengths, cross the finish line slowing down, a shoe untied, arms up while setting the Olympic and World record? The world is in your rear view, Mr. Bolt - celebrate away.

Side note: Mr. Bolt? That sounds like the Sears mascot that never happened.

Admire video editing at its highest level


It takes a special human to start his or her own business. You must have a vision, set goals and persevere through challenging times. But once you're off the ground, what better way to share your brilliant light bulb moment with the world than a snazzy video on YouTube.

Now I know you have questions, so let me answer what I can.

Yes, you are watching the editor/producer/director make his cuts "live". Yes, this is a real video. And yes, Greg Mandanis is an editing prodigy.

Note the smooth transitions (star cut @ 2:40, anyone?), intricate dialogue ("they can't stick to what they do best") and appropriate costumes (youscreenwriter.com tee shirts with text extending well into the arm pits).

More action, you say? Head over to youscreenwriter.com - home of the Mandanis empire and brilliant headlines such as "Write - Direct - Produce - Get Expert Adive - Share With Others - Sell Yourself".

Sell yourself? What? Hookers everywhere agree.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The rise (and falls) of Alicia Sacramone

I had a technological break through last night. Using my cumbersome cable tv guide, I located four NBC channels providing Olympic programming, selected a channel at random and actually enjoyed the events I caught. NBC's coverage, while expansive, can be maddening to navigate on the television. With that said, off we go...

First up, Team Table Tennis. I have a really hard time seeing the need for a teammate on a "court" that spans a whopping 5 feet in width. Getting a direct shot to the forehead from your partner's paddle looks inevitable in this event. Nonetheless, it was fun to watch the little white ball zoom across the table after one side initiates the stare at the floating ball serve

Next, Men's 800 meter relay. This was my first Michael Phelps sighting of the Olympics (yes, I missed that relay) but the guy looked like the CIA's secret swimming specimen. I mean it's one thing to out swim the green world record line, but another to dust the camera man. At one point in the telecast Phelps was swimming so fast that the camera operator had no choice but to show only the few mortals in the same shot as Phelps.


And lastly, Alicia Sacramone (also known as Women's gymnastics). After watching the gang of middle schoolers China threw out on the floor, all eyes turned to the U.S Women - or so I thought. Enter Alicia Sacramone. It didn't take long for me to see that this girl was going to generate some serious attention. She's good looking, can throw a mean left hook, represented the U.S in front of a world audience and, well, unfortunately for her, probably cost the U.S a gold medal. Turns out I was right. TBL was all over this as well, but "Alicia Sacramone is hot" was being googled all over the place (reaching the number one spot by 10:30 am, Wednesday morning).

Sacramone didn't have the best performance on the world's largest stage, and apparently some people had a problem with that. Pardon me while I get fired up, but this is why I can't stand Internet comment boards.

From some idiot on the dallasnews.com comment board
James Roberts: You have single-handedly brought disgrace and dishonor to this country. You should be ashamed of yourself, as this country is ashamed of your performance and regrets selecting you to represent us on the world stage.

No, James, the honor of bringing shame on yourself goes to you. Let me guess - mid 30's, white, single, shit job and still pissed you couldn't make the 8th grade basketball team because your Rec Specs kept falling off? People like you are a joke. I may be no better for firing back under the anonymity of my ridiculously titled blog but attacking an Olympic athlete who has dedicated years of his or her life for ONE moment is mind blowing.

Unfortunately for Alicia and many others, the reach of the Internet is limitless, even to the dimwit's of Texas (save Colin and a few other souls).

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

With Hanging Knuckler on the pine, Sox turn to Hanging Curve


Somebody alert Tripp Copp and the Byrd's Nest - Paul Byrd is on the move to Boston. I'm hoping for the 2007 ALDS and ALCS version of the pseudo Kelsey Grammer. And this just in from Wikipedia:

Byrd has written a book called Free Byrd about his life, detailing both his devout Christianity and addiction to pornography, among other things.

Holy odd combination, Batman. Useful information if you're the Red Sox traveling secretary as you try and sort out the mysterious $350 charge for "Channel 710" in the hotel.

SI.com is reporting that Byrd was dealt to the Sox for "a player to be named or cash". Deals like this go down frequently in baseball and they always leave me wondering - how much cash and what player? Do the Sox throw the Indians a 20 spot and a napkin that says I.O.U a bit more? What players can and can't be named later?

Further proof that I would flounder as the GM of any baseball team not named the Kansas City T-Bones.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Your Monday morning invisibility update

So this will be quick and painless, but add this story to your things to watch (get it?) over the next couple of years. Invisibility? Really? Imagine the possibilities! What would you do if you could be invisible?

Me, you ask? Well Kevin Bacon took all my ideas in Hollow Man, but Elizabeth Shue would probably be involved.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Pet peeve post time

Shootin' from the hip here - time to get after the little sayings that bug.

"It is what it is" - Uh, of course it is. If it wasn't what it is, it wouldn't be it in the first place. Should we also announce when it isn't what it is? Whatever is on a beach in Costa Rica, glad he/she is no longer busy being used as the lamest cop out word or phrase in our language.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too"
- Not only can I have my cake and eat it, I should have my cake and eat it. What else would I do with perfectly good cake? I mean it's not ruined, is it? Phrases that could mirror the stupidity of the cake line include:
- You can't earn a paycheck and spend it too
- You can't chew your food and swallow it too
- You can't be a fat cat and fly too
- You can't be Brett Favre and not annoy Andy too

"I could care less" - I recommend not tipping your hand and letting everyone know that while your level of caring is low, there is in fact room for even less caring.

Just the tip of the iceberg, more to come soon I'm sure.

Have a good weekend, readers and readettes.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Favre saga looks to dump Mr. 3 And Out on Chiefs

Let us pay just a bit more attention to the media black hole that is Brett Favre. Could the Favre to NY deal hit close to the confines of Arrowhead stadium? Reports are buzzing about Chad Pennington to the Chiefs for an old days reunion with Herman "I like defense more than you" Edwards. Pardon while I become less excited about the Chiefs at an exponential rate. Chad Pennington? The first image that pops in my head is Pennington with a shoulder sling on. Any mental imagery after that consists of Pennington creatively executing the incomplete pass. I see where your head is at, Herm. You like defense so much, you're willing to go out and find the guy who will get your defense back on the field in no time. This may be the year of the 3 and out for the ol' Chefs.

I hope King Karl can get something right, for his sake, the Chiefs faithful, for the sake of Whitlock's keyboard and last but not least, Elvis Grbac.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Favre Fetched

Great opportunity to lay out two birds with one stone - Brett Favre (pet peeve) and Brett Favre (sports).

For those who followed my day one post, you may recall I find any talk of Favre's pseudo retirement absolutely maddening. At that point in the sporting universe it was mere speculation - hearsay, an ESPN driven storyline. But now? My dreams of a Favre-free SportsCenter have been crushed. A couple of errant text messages between agents, owners, Favre and reporters and we have Favregate '08 (part II).

(Side note: Can anyone explain why texting gets the shaft in the media these days? When SportsCenter broke the story about Favre communicating with Chris Mortensen via text, the anchor repeated "text message" like Favre sent Mort a moldy tube sock with a message inside. Is the difference between an email and text that substantial? I'm here to stand up for the quick little messages - even if they're getting expensive.)

Back to the land of Cheese Heads and hunting vests. I'm afraid I lack the perspective to understand why, who and how Brett Favre returning to the Packers benefits ANYONE. Sure, he's one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and still makes plays that people absolutely don't shut up about. BUT this isn't your typical Michael Jordan I want to play for - and own - the Washington Wizards comeback. This is I will hold my old team for $25 million in ransom, return against their wishes with the commissioner's blessing and then (THIS JUST IN) ask for a release-type comeback. What!? Who the hell is your agent AND is he/she/it a carny from the circus with really small hands? Used car salesmen think this deal is shockingly shitty. This is how you want to cap off your 17 year career in Green Bay and thank the fans for their support? The same fans that looked like idiots standing up for you in recent weeks?

What drives all of this? The Wrangler Jeans commercial shoots weren't competitive enough? You miss that "special feeling on Sunday" all the ex NFL'ers talk about? The need for competition, camaraderie and praise? It's called GOLF, Brett. Pick up the sticks, your good ol' boys, and the green's fees.

I can't imagine a bigger slap in the face, Packers fans. He said no to $25 million to sit on the sideline and act busy, said no to playing for you again but said YES to a trade with - get this - any of your division rivals! Just keep all this in mind when Favre once again decides to hang 'em up, take 'em down, call Peter King, text Chris Mortensen and drive me to near violence against my television set.

Please, NFL season, start so you can finish. I've already had enough.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Updates coming...

A busy week (already?) in the movie biz - standby, I'll get something up soon.

Quality over quantity, people - this will not be a Costco style blog! (Although I do need a crate of salsa for $3). Fat cats, flat tires, Ferraris and earthquakes - and that was just last week!

See you back on the Inter Web soon.

Friday, August 1, 2008

I see you seeing me...sorta


Back when I first started this blog (a mere two weeks ago), I envisioned a Tom Cruise in Times Square from Vanilla Sky-like scene. An empty arena, a place that looks like someone should be there - merely reduced to random thoughts about fat cats falling from airplanes (yes, I foresaw myself writing about cats two weeks ago).

Well, I'm proud to announce my vision was incorrect. No empty Times Square for you, Andy. Instead? A Times Square with anywhere from 11 to 26 people per day. 26 people in one day!? Sweet mother of all time attendance record!

Naturally your next question (as long as I'm writing, at least) is how do you, Andy, have such connections? How do you know how many people are in your personal Times Square?

My rebuttal: Google Analytics. And not only do I know how many of you read this, I know where you live, how long you leave your browser idle on my page while you step away to do something more interesting AND what you were wearing. Ok, kidding about clothes thing - but I wouldn't put it past the googly eyes of Google.

And please keep your laughter to a minimum as you observe that a hefty portion of my visits come from the Golden State. I wish I could claim it wasn't just me.

I sincerely thank those of you who are visiting. This is a fun experiment and I plan to continue until the hate mail outnumbers the visitors on the site.

Visitors (total) - 366
Hate mail (Grant's comment) - 1

Mistermcc lives another day.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Woman to drop 44lb feline out of Cessna, cat plans to end up in Bejing in time for Olympics


44lbs from 800 feet - that's enough to bury all the way through to China, right? It appears we've found the perfect subject for operation Buttercup Free Fall. Weighing in at 44 lbs and the ounces don't matter, Princess Chunky! Wow! Was Princess chunky from the jump or did she marry into the Chunks? Either way, someone must drop this furball from a Cessna. Wait, scratch the Cessna - we need something that can support the full load.

“She’s built like a quarterback,” said Deborah Wright, a shelter volunteer and current foster owner of the kitty. “I mean, how do you lose a 44-pound cat?!”


Michael Vick is not amused by your animal to quarterback comparison, Mrs. Wright. And Colin, can you recalculate the terminal velocity for this albino bowling ball?

(And again, thanks to TBL for the lead.)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Gooodddziiilllaaa!


Wait, no. That was just an earthquake. Needless to say, I was prepared for Godzilla. Or a tsunami wave full of piranhas. You never know what California will require you to experience next. One time, it rained six days straight here in LA. Oh the horror.

At least I was awake for this one. I had a knack for sleeping through them in San Diego.

5.8 on the scale. Los Angeles earthquake number one in the books.

(Thanks, Ky, for the link)

Monday, July 28, 2008

Pack of Ponies

Not your average day on the road when a line of souped Dodge Vipers looks lame - but that's what two Ferrari 430's, a 360 Spider and throwback 355 will do to your standards.

The boss gave me the fast forward tour of Malibu Canyon roads, pun intended. We dove in up north off the 101 - only to emerge an hour and a half later 10 miles north of Malibu on the Pacific Coast Highway.

Not since the prime days of Mike Denny and his '98 Dodge Ram Sport have I looked for the "oh sh*t" handle to grip in a vehicle. To hell with 8 minute abs, buy a Ferrari and zip that puppy through some canyons - your core and forearms will feel it.

Not that my words ever depict a clear, concise message or image, but in this case pictures are key. Enjoy.

Screen shots of the GPS - Left is zoomed in shot, right covers the greater LA area

Dana's 360 Spider. Check please!

Black 430 followed by a red 430. Nothing like seeing the monetary equivalent of a three bedroom house in suburban America pass you at 160 mph




Yes, a left turn would be useful in the next 100 feet

And just to spice it up, a Lamborghini Gallardo. Love these guys.

While we're on the subject of high class vehicles that I will never own, my nearest and dearest leaky front right tire finally went kaput when I was sniped by a marksman from Bosnia. OR my sidewall was really old and worn out. Thanks, Colin, for warning me that would happen three years ago. I was really on the ball and took no chances by driving around on a cracked tire for 60,000 miles.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

A Comi-Con quandary


If a car leaves Los Angeles at 7:30am headed for San Diego and a train leaves Los Angeles at 11:15 am heading for San Diego which will arrive first? You need to know the speed of the train and car you say? No, no you don't. What you do need to know is that the car portion of this question ran into a bit of traffic. This wasn't your average "I hate the 405 and the lady in front of me" traffic. This was "You will move four miles in four hours and like it" traffic. That's what happens when your semi bursts into flames and lights up a van just for kicks.


Six and a half hours later we entered the Comi-Con zone - it was official when I saw two Storm Troopers walking an Ewok out of a Seven Eleven.


I wish I had more pictures, but I was assigned the roll of TMZ video camera guy. To suffice? A rundown of Trigger Street's wild and very successful day at the Con.

- Taping of AMC's Shootout with Peter Guber
- Interview with MTV News (pictured below, Kevin Spacey and Dana Brunetti)
- Tour ground zero - The Comi-Con floor
- Devils Due Publishing / Trigger Street panel to announce new Comic section on TriggerStreet.com
- Dinner and drinks
- Kevin presents at Star Wars awards
- Screening of TS production of FANBOYS
- Take over Ivy Hotel bar


Great trip, not just for me, but for Trigger Street. I'll be putting together a highlight reel of our guerilla-style footage, look for it on our site.

And I feel the need for a Pet Peeve post coming soon - check back later this week.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Cats do not want you to read this


File this tidbit of information under the "things to try out on someone else's cat" category. From the amazingly entertaining book pictured to your right.

"What is the best floor of a building to throw a cat from?

Any of them above the 7th floor. Here's why:
Higher than the 7th floor it doesn't really matter as long as its oxygen holds out. Like many small animals, cats have a nonfatal terminal velocity - in cats this is about 60 mph. Once they relax, they orient themselves, spread out and parachute to earth like squirrels. Terminal velocity is the point at which a body's weight equalizes against the resistance of the air and it stops accelerating - in humans it's about 120 mph, reached in free fall from about 1,800 ft.

There are cats on record that have fallen thirty stories or more without ill effects. One cat is known to have been deliberately thrown out of a Cessna aircraft at 800 feet that survived."


A Cessna aircraft!? Who the hell made that a Saturday morning activity?
- Mow lawn
- Clean gutters
- Release Buttercup from 800 feet

Naturally, I turned to YouTube for any visual evidence supporting such wild claims. No Cessna aircraft footage available. Cat vs. Tree will have to do. Make sure to stick around for the slow motion replay and the post-fall cat interview

Friday, July 18, 2008

Paddy goes for the jugular

A congrats to Padrig Harrington for surviving the Category 5 bogey-fest that was the British Open.

1. Harrington (+3)
2. Poulter (+7)
T-3. Stenson (+9)
T-3. Norman (+9)
T-5. Furyk (+10)

Those
are the final round totals? Looks like an afternoon out at Eagle Bend (after 9 holes) with the old stick-swinging gang (side note: I still hate hole number 8 - I'm +23 for my career.)

Perhaps I'm failing to give credit where credit is due, after all Harrington fended off 40 mph winds, an old Shark, a major-less El-NiƱo and a guy in pink pants.


DICK CHANEY DOES NOT WANT TO SHOW OFF HIS GARDEN

A neat list of places you're not supposed to see with Google's eye in the sky. Some are legit, others just strange. Take a look.


ESPYionage

A classic case of popularity over quality - at least in the editor's opinion. Best game in sports. This year. Goes to...Giants vs. Patriots? It was a great game, a Super Bowl that, for once, was better than the crap commercials that drive it. But better than KU vs. Memphis? I don't agree. The pace of action basketball provides makes this a no-brainer for me. Yes, there were missed free throws and Hack-a-Shaq fouls. I'll take anyone shooting free throws over the NFL replay booth sequence. How awful is that to watch? Cue up repetitive camera angles, slow motion rewind, babbling announcers and unfortunate attempts at product integration like this:

This replay was brought to you by the Coors Light Cold Hard Facts and the Cold Hard Train presented by Coors Light, home of the Frost Brewed, Big Mouth hole, unnecessary blue frosty liner, shitty commercials beer. Drink responsibly. And don't drive after drinking our beer while watching this commercial.

Thank you, NFL and Coors Light. (By the way, players can't endorse alcohol(via Deadspin) but the league they play in can? Hold on, I'm calling Alanis Morissette to see if that's ironic...)

Holy tangent, I digress. Back to the ESPY nonsense. I can't complain about this being a popularity contest, that's what the ESPYs and Who's Now etc are. I'll just complain about the outcome because, as a KU alum and Patriots fan, what did you expect?

The Dark Knight entertains, Derek Jeter dates ______ (instert Maxim 100 name), AT&T is premature, and a guy who can probably beat you at Guitar Hero

Managed to make my way to a Dark Knight screening on the WB lot last night. Very good movie with an unbelievable cast. Heath was great - completely nailed his role. C. Bale was on par with his Batman Begins performance and Michael Cane continues to make me wish I had a butler ("what will it be today, Mr. McCallie, the 90's Explorer or the stolen 10-speed?). I won't give too much away but the action sequences are unbelievable (look for the Joker's hospital scene - awesome).
I still wish they would make these movies with an "R" rating. Heath was as evil as PG-13 would allow, but throw in some f-bomb laced tirades and graphic knife duels and Ledger's character would've been darker than solitary confinement. But then again, with an "R" rating, you won't have opening week predictions like this.

DEREK'S DIMES
Now on to the "further proof that Derek Jeter eats Lucky Charms daily" section of the blog. Just stumbled across this article. Really, DJ? 6 out 100? What a list to own 6% of. However, he failed to crack the top spot.

(Note: My girlfriend frowns upon my Marissa Miller obsession, so to pay her back for that last link, here's your Canadian boy toy, Ky. Watch out, Scarlet)

AT&T TIPS THEIR HAND
The Web Site guy over at AT&T must've been working off a hangover while managing the morning updates. A little bit of news about AT&T's plan to introduce free Wi-Fi spots around the country was leaked "on accident" by AT&T.

And while I'm on an AT&T kick, their cell coverage makes Sprint look like a dedicated land line. Maybe it's the iPhone, or maybe I've had a bad week, but I've dropped at least one call everyday since owning the 3G-Unit. Get it together AT&T or I'm phreaking my iPhone and switching carriers.

YOUR GUITAR HERO STREAK STOPS HERE
Last, and definitely least, this guy. Was this a contest for "fastest guitar" or "Undertaker lookalike?
(Start watching the video about half way through).

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Ichiro Suzuki = George Carlin?


I know I'm a few days late on this one, but I couldn't resist. Why, you may wonder, has the American League been so dominant in the All-Star game in recent years? The answer lies within the 5'9" Japanese quote (and hitting) machine that is Ichiro Suzuki. Apparently Suzuki channels the late, great George Carlin to fire up the AL squad.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Further proof that old white men are scared of the young, celebratory athlete


Make sure your local gang bangers get the memo - there will be no communicating via hand signals with your favorite NFL players. I'm sure the league's experts will do a stellar job in their identification of what's appropriate and what's not. Just a guess, but this process will be about as fair as professional athlete altercations in Miami.

I suppose after the Darrent Williams incident, the NFL PR mill was activated for show and tell purposes. Add this to a growing list of questionable, if not idiotic, restrictions in professional sports. The NBA hates your iPod, MLB does not care if you're cold, and aside from the gang signs, the NFL does not care for your imaginary ass being revealed.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Shady still the in shade of Orange Juice Mayonnaise

O.J Mayo goes Powerade commercial on us and Shady puts up solid numbers. Whats a guy gotta do to get a headline around here? Beat USC at home? Win a National Championship? Congrats to Shady, Rio, BRush Tee, Mother Russia and DJack for getting paid. I'm not sure if they still pay using bottles of Popov in Russia, but if it not Sasha, ask for these lovely ladies.

Mayo with Mustard (ESPN)
KU vs. USC (LJ World)
Chalmers sends Kansas to OT (Sportsline)

Monday, July 14, 2008

Sherron was using the elevator for cargo purposes only


So good to hear that our speedy fire hydrant / resident bulldog Sherron Collins was cleared of, well, making an elevator even more awkward than it already is.

And props to Josh Hamilton, err Justin Morneau?

28 in one round?
Well played Mr. Hamilton, just don't go Bobby Abreu on us.

Collins won't face chargers (KC Star via TBL)
Hamilton rescues derby (CNNSI)
Sluggers can't blame second half (SeattlePI)

Would you like cheese with that?

To steal from the lamest commercials on television - time to vent. It's pet peeve post one, here we go.

Much to the surprise of my friends, I'm not a fan of cheese. Before you deduce such, it is not a Brett Favre-related issue (although those cheese hats look terrible).

I get looks of shock and horror when I mention my non-interest in the queso.

"Whaaat?"

"You're crazy."

"I hate you."

"Your voting privileges should be revoked."

All are common responses. Regardless of all that, on to the pet peeve. Typically, if I ask for a hamburger, I would assume it is made up of hamburger, with an occasional piece of lettuce, tomato or pickle. If you include cheese with my hamburger, please identify it as a cheeseburger (see that, we named it for you, pissed off waitress lady, so you could tell the difference between the two - how innovative!)

And to add insult to shitty food, on top of throwing that little slice of lactose on my burger, you'll charge me an addtional dollar too. Great. When I tip you, I'll be sure to include that same slice of cheese.

One down, many more to come.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Reviewing my 3G-Unit

Two days in with the iPhone 3G, so far, so-so. I'll take an O.J (stab) - crude humor, I know- at an unbiased review of this wonder phone.

On the surface (not literally), it's an amazing piece of technology. It took me two hours to realize this little sliver of Mac magic was also a phone. I had no interest in making a "phone call". How boring! Instead, I'll just triangulate my position with the GPS, email you a picture of my coordinates and follow it up with a text message confirming the email's delivery. Phone call? 1844 called for its technology.

On to the Good vs. Evil

The Good:

The Apps store. There's more upside to this part of the iPhone than Kwame Brown in the 2001 NBA draft. For Steve Jobs' sake, let's hope it doesn't pan out along the same path (paging Michael Jordan's talent scouting abilities). I started off basic, downloading the Facebook, Bank of America and Google apps. More on those in the Evil section. Once I got a feel for the store, I tried out Loopt, Pandora and MLB.com gamecast.

Loopt - Very cool, however, "restraining order" potential ranks just below the scene outside a Jonas brothers concert. Loopt tracks your location (via GPS) and allows you to track your Loopt friend's positioning as well. Overall a fun app, but just know, the eye in the sky is watching.

Pandora Pretty much what you'd expect from the web's best Internet radio. User interface is simple but efficient, and the graphics (screen shot on right) show like an iPod album with clear icons for song approval or rejection. The major downside? Pandora won't run in the background of your phone, which means any other activity will cause the music to stop. It's like a last call gone wrong when you can't listen to your Cool Kids station because you just got an email from 1-800-FLOWERS.com





MLB.com Gamecast -

A perfect app for any baseball fan living outside of his or her team's television market. The actual gamecast portion of this app is nothing special, but the kicker for this app is the updated video highlights. Select any game on the MLB schedule and the MLB.com server feeds you video highlights from the games. We're not talking old school, Sprint-style highlights that required a permit, homing pigeon and 2 week clearance process to receive - no, no - on demand baby, delivered right to your wonder phone!

The GPS technology - A must have for anyone staring down traffic issues en route to work. The "maps" function of the phone works as effortlessly as google maps on your computer. With good reason - it is google maps on your phone. Find your current location? One click. Checking traffic? One click. Switching from map mode to hybrid? One click. Finding directions to any number of overrated sushi restaurants in LA? A ton of clicks and typing - but hey, at least you can do it. The GPS tracking is fast and accurate - turn on the track mode and watch your blue dot fly - directly into the trunk of the car in front of you.

And now, THE EVIL:

The Battery- Did someone poke a hole in my battery or is it the 18 hours of constant use I've put on this puppy? This was the one area my old cell phone was strong in. What I'm failing to factor here is that my old Treo spent so much time dropping calls and turning off whenever he so pleased that his tank o' energy was always full. That sneaky devil. Not the case with the 3 Warren G phone. At least you'll have a great time sucking the power out of this little guy.

Can I customize? - A small matter to nitpick, but one of the first things I wanted to do with the desktop background was remove certain icons. No cigar, says Apple. Calculator and Stocks? Really? Maybe for someone who's rich and desires to check the square root of his bank account. I yearn to be in that demographic.

Windows-esque glitching - Pardon my cliche Windows bashing reference, but there are flashes of "Vientos" in my iPhone. Loading the contacts page seems clunky (I'm not even to 100 yet) and Safari goes Don Cheadle and crashes often. Perhaps I'm holding this beast to an unfair standard - but the way people are waiting around (see, myself and a few others) it's hard not to expect perfection.

App Upgrades needed - As I mentioned above, some very popular apps need work. The Facebook app doesn't allow you to post on walls. Facebook with no wall posting? Sounds like playing volleyball with a beach ball in knee-high water - stupid. And with most of these apps, they don't run in the phone's background. Hopefully these issues can be addressed with a new crop of updated apps, but we'll see.

OVERALL - The mail program works great, the SMS texting runs just like aim, saving each individual threaded conversation and the YouTube application leaves you just a couple clicks away from gems like this (Wichita, stand up!) Despite its flaws, the 3G-Unit iPhone is the Paul Pierce of cell phones - there may be some flashy foreign models out there (Kobe), some with more hype and substance(LeBron) but The Truth prevails.

Now go get one and add me to Loopt.

* Side note: If you happen to click on the "flashy foreign models" link, make sure to read the description on that video. Talk about features on a phone! Bar code scanner? Does it pour your milk, too? My iPhone is frowning at me right now.

An official iDiot

It only took 8 hours, two animal style contraptions and one unnecessary fight. But I have obtained the iPhone. An Apple employee congratulated me for purchasing the toy. An interesting approach to make me forget the last 4 hours of my morning.

I'll pony up the courage for a review in the next day or two.

Pet Peeve on tap for tomorrow.

Posted from my 3G-Unit

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