Stop what you are doing. Seriously, stop right now. There is breaking news from the sporting world. News so shocking that you may need a glass of water, five minutes for mourning and free long distance to call a loved one.
Ready for it?
BRETT FAVRE IS HINTING AT RETIREMENT.
You don't say?! Brett Favre, retire? Why on earth would a 39-year-old with an antique shoulder who just wants to hunt, text GM's and come out of retirement, want to retire?
Brett Favre missed the memo. It is not necessary to retire at the end of each season. As each season comes to a close, Brett, each player engages in what's called an "off season." Say it with me now, nice and slow - offff seeassoon.
A normal off season? Maybe a vacation with the family followed closely by a strictly-regimented workout plan.
But a Favre off season? First, swear off retirement. Let everyone know that you feel "great" and that you "still feel like you can contribute". The day after your press conference announcing your non-retirement, send a text message to your agent mentioning that you have an itch to retire. Make sure this text finds its way to Peter King. Once this headline dominates SportsCenter, hold another press conference and state that you have no idea where all this talk about retirement came from, and that you still feel "great" and "just want to hunt". After declaring your love for hunting and not retiring, simply disappear for three weeks in Mississippi claiming the need "to think about some things". Lastly, emerge shortly after training camp ends and state that you are "fit to play, and still ready to compete". If all goes as planned (and how things have gone the last five years), you'll be
And now, in light of this "event", my least favorite sporting events of the year.
1. The NFL draft (see also, offensive lineman drafted in the seventh round)
2. Brett Favre retiring (considered an actual event after happening at least once a year since 2001.)
3. College Football Bowl Season (see below post)