Sunday, March 22, 2009

Type Gate '09

So the ball is in my court. The girlfriend has served up her "Top Guys" list and maintains that she has no "type" of guy she prefers. This becomes quite the back-and-forth, I claim she's all about rail-thin, musically-inclined punk rockers and she quickly refutes that I'm all about tall, blond with boobs-and-a-tan girls (my awkwardly-intense obsession with Marisa Miller probably doesn't help.)

Why is this an issue? Well, it's not so much and issue as it is humorous. Utilizing your eyes, one can see that neither Ky nor I resemble the others alleged type.

is a beautiful brunette with no ambition to go blond (and stay that way, please! :)

Me? Well the last time I had long hair, it was parted down the middle as I rocked a Stussy shirt with stonewashed jeans. And I was 12. Rocker fail.

I'm musically inclined if you count playing the recorder for one month in 4th grade. And I sucked at it. Musically inclined fail.

Let's settle this with some good old pictures, names and summaries you won't read. Any order prior to the last two is purely coincidental:

Tamara Brown: Bare with me on this one as she's a bit of a rising star. Anyone familiar with the heavy dose of Carl's Jr. ads run on ESPN knows this girl. Tamara happens to be the only tolerable thing about the Carl's Jr. commercial toting the "steak sandwich" (which happens to look like what you get when you mix LSD, Denny's and onion rings). But alas, Tamara and her blue dress make me forget all about that nasty contraption of pending heart attack. Unfortunately for me, this blond falls right into Ky's argument.
Ky: 1
Me: 0

Cheryl Cole: I'm hopping the pond for this next lady, Ms. Cheryl Cole. Cole is among the growing lineup of gorgeous WAG's from Europe (while I'm blanking on the technical term for WAG, it seems to mean gorgeous woman dating heinous soccer star - save that Becks fellow). I have no idea what she does for a living but something tells me it has to do with looking good and being seen. Easy to do with looks like this. Brunette takes the cake on this one.

Ky: 1
Me: 1

(Ed note: It seems this lovely lady closely resembles another beauty on this list...number one, anybody?)

Rachel Taylor: Most of you will find this pick to be a stretch on my part, but female Australian accents have a way of sealing the deal. You can find Rachel Taylor in Transformers playing the part of a computer "expert". Trust me, if experts looked half this good, I'd call the Geek Squad anytime my freaking toaster broke. Only in Michael Bay's Hollywood, people. The man has an eye (and a tad bit of leverage). Back to blond though, Ky takes the lead back.

Ky: 2
Me: 1

Megan Fox: The trendiest pick on my list, Ms. Fox seems to be the new Jessica Alba. Not to take anything away from either, but every year or two Hollywood spits out the new "it" girl. Not Britney "pyscoidiot" Spears or Lindsay "hotwithissues" Lohan, but rather a girl that no one can get enough of. Maxim, GQ, TMZ, Megan Fox has been ripping away headlines since the release of Transformers and I see why. A brunette with light eyes is hard to beat. I don't think she'll be off the Hollywood It radar for at least a couple more shitty movies. And back on the board for me.

Ky: 2

Me: 2

Marisa Miller: *Sighs*. That's pretty much all I've got on this one. She is to me what Brandon Boyd is to Kylie - number two and not moving. As nice as it is to see Marisa with the much-deserved attention of the SI Swimsuit cover, endorsements, Maxim #1 etc, I'm a bit sad to see her leave the shadows of Gisele, Lima and Ambrosio. Seems like for years I was asking about "that one dirty-blond" VS model. Well, take one incredible picture wearing nothing but an...iPod, and that's what happens. One quick side note for entertainment's sake - Marisa is married to Griffin Guess (which is an old Indian name for Lucky F*ck). Just so happens that Griffin was sitting next to Marisa's mom on an airplane once. He gets up to go the restroom, and while there, Mom Miller switches seats with Daughter of Superior Hotness, telling her she should talk to this cute guy she was sitting next to. So Guess comes back from the restroom and nice old lady has turned into the image to your left. What a trade off! Enter the world's most uncomfortable bathroom and emerge only to meet and marry the world's number one super model? Give me a freaking break! But she does hit just about every one of Ky's proposed stereotypes, so I lose two on this one.

Ky: 4

Me: 2

Kylie Gordon: Save the best for last, without a doubt. First, I have to give her credit for pointing out some previous dating tendencies of mine. Yes, I may have gravitated towards blonds (pure coincidence), but this wonderfully-beautiful girlfriend of mine trumps them all. She's my ace-in-the-hole. A brunette that puts the "b" in hot (makes no sense, I know.) And even though she gets sick of my compliments (most likely due to their repetitive and unoriginal nature), I'm not letting her get off without a fight - she needs to freaking model. I'm proud to say she's mine, which is obvious by the large head shot that remains permanently plastered on my iPhone backdrop. Love you, gf, and you're worth 10 points, so I win!

Ky: 4
Me: 12

Honorable mention: Lily Gordon and Jessica Alba

Friday, March 13, 2009

Best instructions. Ever.

I have a fear of instructions and I don't know why. Not so much the verbal type, more so the written-out, folded-up, you-must-read-me-or-fail kind. I'm repeatedly convinced I can do without such petty orders.

"It's a freakin' drawer from IKEA," I say.*

"An alarm clock? To hell with that, you plug it in and it works, end of story."**

But why do I resist the directions again and again? Here's why - it's one thing to fail at putting together a desk or table without directions. But if you really want to feel like a horses ass, trying failing at this tasks while using the manufacturer-provided help. Just about the time you plug hole 13 with peg A1, your friend walks over and points out you've actually constructed a giant giraffe piƱata instead of a table.

Anyway, the time came to replace the printer cartridge at the office yesterday. What comes with this new printer ammo? Super-detailed, CIA-like instructions. Let's take a look:

Step 1: Find a typewriter. Proceed to prime with left thumb 5-6 times.

Setp 2: Locate butter knife. Butter side of typewriter until clicking noise or arrow appears

Step 3: Open trunk of printer.

Step 4: Place typewriter in trunk of printer.

Step 5: Do not look at this crack from up-close.
Step 6: Do not ever touch typewriter in this spot.

I understand we're under an invasion of economic doom and gloom, but no words with my directions? All of a sudden I'm playing pictionary with the flap of a box. Can I get some details?

* I put the IKEA drawer together upside down and backwards. And the front panel fell off. FAIL.

** The alarm clock was set to military time for the first 12 hours I owned it. Had to find a Logitech message board for help.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Best / Worst - Purchases edition

Ever look at a meaningless item sitting on your living room floor and wonder what the hell it is? Rather, when you bought it and why? This post is dedicated to the periods of purchaser remorse and regret, but also to the few times an item is worth retail fee.

So, I give you the best and worst purchases of the last year. Yes, it's an odd time to do a year-in-review, but I moved to L.A about a year ago. Deal, peeps.

The Jawbone II - Noise Assassin
Retail: $180

Hands down (and free) on this one. The only thing assassinated was any chance at getting through a phone call without being accused of speaking into a fishbowl from 50 feet down a hallway. Seriously, you should hear the utter disbelief I get from people when I use the hands free ear piece.

"Why are you in a helicopter with the door open?"

"It sounds like you're talking through a plastic bag, underwater"

"I'm hearing every third word you say, so just repeat everything three times"

Yeah, thanks Jawbone. It's not like I have any trouble with my iPhone's reception or anything. Have I mentioned that on here yet? :)

Logitech Pure-Fi Anytime Premium Alarm Clock
Retail: $80

*I am not nominating this item for the name. Did Microsoft have a hand in that? What a joke. Much to the dismay of the Logitec ad team, I associate the word "premium" with cheap, knock off cereal at the grocery store. Whoops.

To my delight, amidst a flurry of negative reviews on amazon (no funny ones, though) this alarm clock has done the trick. The trick is, of course, not waking me up by causing a myocardial infarction a-la my old Sanyo (which I believe ran on diesel fuel.)

The Logitech is compatible with the iPhone 3G, has a two-alarm setting, and can wake you with music, radio or an anxiety-evoking buzz. The iPod music settings aren't too complex - you can build two "wake" playlists (one for each alarm) or get a potluck wake up call. This morning Logitech chose Jay-Z's "99 Problems." Interesting choice, hopefully my alarm clock isn't in the fortune telling business.

It comes with a remote, but I've yet to find the need to remotely shut down my alarm clock. In the event of this happening, I'll make a note to stop sleeping on the floor in the corner of my room.

All for now folks, more reviews to come if I ever have any money to buy another mistake.

And a movie review should be coming soon, I've been slacking on the Netflix que.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

ESPN hemorrhages with excitement over non-story

Imagine the pure joy in my living room last night as I collapse to the couch after a marathon 36 hour work session.

"All I need is a beer (Stella Artois, thanks office), some food and 10 minutes of SportsCenter" I think to myself.

Beer? Obtained and open.

Food? Plenty (as in two pieces of bread and peanut butter).

SportCenter? Houston (Dallas, actually) we have a problem.

Terrell Owens has been released from the Cowboys.


*More crickets*

Ok great, thanks SportsCenter. Thanks for the breaking news, but now I'm done with it. I really don't care anymore, ok? What's that? You're ignoring my request (and every other sane sports fan's) to shut up about Owens? Awesome. Let's see how you can run this story straight into the ground, shall we?

Cue up b-roll on repeat of Owens yelling at the same people over the past two seasons? Check.

Interview Ed Werder, Steve Young, Keyshawn Johnson and Trent Dilfer while asking the same questions? Check.

Ignore all other current sports news while still showing b-roll on repeat? Check.

Show me a sports fan who gave two shits about this story after the initial mention. Why is ESPN persistent on running this guy in the ground? He got cut, get on with it. What am I - as a non-Cowboy biased sports fan - gaining from an interview with Keyshawn Johnson? And Trent Dilfer? What the hell does he have to do with anything? I can tell you the same thing these guys will say - nothing but expensive opinions. Give me the facts, and get out.

T.O is a cancer. I don't care how much talent he could, maybe, might have on any given Sunday. And don't give me that "it's his desire to win" garbage. Everyone in that locker room has a desire to win. You know what doesn't promote winning? Whining after a loss. Starting shit with your quarterback and tight end. If you can't learn how to lose, you'll never know how to win.

Grab your popcorn, T.O.

See you on the Raiders roster next season.