Friday, December 26, 2008

Stop the presses!

Stop what you are doing. Seriously, stop right now. There is breaking news from the sporting world. News so shocking that you may need a glass of water, five minutes for mourning and free long distance to call a loved one.

Ready for it?


You don't say?! Brett Favre, retire? Why on earth would a 39-year-old with an antique shoulder who just wants to hunt, text GM's and come out of retirement, want to retire?

Brett Favre missed the memo. It is not necessary to retire at the end of each season. As each season comes to a close, Brett, each player engages in what's called an "off season." Say it with me now, nice and slow - offff seeassoon.

A normal off season? Maybe a vacation with the family followed closely by a strictly-regimented workout plan.

But a Favre off season? First, swear off retirement. Let everyone know that you feel "great" and that you "still feel like you can contribute". The day after your press conference announcing your non-retirement, send a text message to your agent mentioning that you have an itch to retire. Make sure this text finds its way to Peter King. Once this headline dominates SportsCenter, hold another press conference and state that you have no idea where all this talk about retirement came from, and that you still feel "great" and "just want to hunt". After declaring your love for hunting and not retiring, simply disappear for three weeks in Mississippi claiming the need "to think about some things". Lastly, emerge shortly after training camp ends and state that you are "fit to play, and still ready to compete". If all goes as planned (and how things have gone the last five years), you'll be playing football holding a new franchise for ransom in no time.

And now, in light of this "event", my least favorite sporting events of the year.

1. The NFL draft (see also, offensive lineman drafted in the seventh round)
2. Brett Favre retiring (considered an actual event after happening at least once a year since 2001.)
3. College Football Bowl Season (see below post)

Monday, December 8, 2008

Amped up for the EagleBank bowl game!

I'm shaking with excitement as I type. Can you guess why? No, it's not the small cup of fatty caffeine I just swiped from Starbucks. No, it's not the fact that Brett Favre has lost two weeks in a row. And no, it has nothing to do with March Madness being three and a half months away. It's college football bowl season which means it's time to anxiously await games like the EagleBank bowl game, R+L Carriers bowl game, and for all you pizza lovers, the bowl game.

You see when I realize it's bowl season, the soundtrack of my life plays a lonely cricket chirping in a field. Or maybe awkward applause.


Because the majority of these bowl games are similar to first round March Madness games. While more evenly matched than, say, a 1 v. 16 college basketball matchup, games like Wake Forest vs. Navy, Colorado vs. Fresno State and Memphis vs. South Florida are sure to provide some excitement. But what's the most exciting part about the first round games in March? Your team has the chance to move on and play again! In college football? Nope. Here you go, TCU, congrats on winning the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsetta Bowl! You now have better credit than the team you just defeated.

Ok, Oklahoma vs. Florida has a chance to be a good game - too bad you have to wait 40 something days to find out.