Google Analytics will break you down, one report at a time

I was unaware that my overall site visitation number possessed the ability to actually drop as if people were "un"visiting the site. Dear Internet, is such a thing possible?

*Flashback to classic Dwight Schrute quote*
Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.

So back to the matter at hand. Maybe I didn't read the fine print, but why is Mr. Google Analytic playing with my emotions? I'm trying to set a monthly attendance record here, machine - I have goals to achieve!

From what I can tell, the overall numbers are dropping, but the daily visitation looks to be correct. More confused than an LPGA golfer who doesn't speak English? Me too.

So, while I straighten out my count meter, let me say thanks (again) for visiting and unvisiting my site. Also, I'd like send a shout out to my Oregon and Georgia reader(s). Your visitation will not go unnoticed unless Google Analytics feels the need to take you away from me as well.

State Reader Rankings: (CA doesn't count)
1.Kansas
2.Ohio
3.Texas
4.Missouri
5.North Carolina

Get your state on the map, people.

Wade Boggs does not know where your Miller Lite went

I now present to the few faithful readers remaining, one of the greatest behind-the-scenes tales ever told.

Enter the world of Wade Boggs. Boggs was a central sports figure of my childhood days in Beantown. Anchoring the then mediocre Sox with the likes of a young - and "Vitamin B" free - Clemens, Boggs was an every day hitting machine. All I knew about the guy as a young tot was that he wore black eye paint under his eyes, ate all kinds of chicken before games and could hit a Chinese table tennis spin serve in a full count situation with runners in scoring position to any field.

What I didn't know? Boggs could drink a camel out of the desert.

Of course after his glory days in Boston, Wade jumped ship to the Evil Empire, setting the precedent soon to be followed by Mr. Vitamin B, Johnny NoLongerJesus Damon and Manny TheHumanHeadache Ramirez.

Keep taking the Steinbrenner's money, fellas. We'll take the rings for now.

*Shout out to Pullin The Trigger for the scoop...

Yes, Tiger is that good.

A neat commercial with the man himself takin' one off a lily pad in a pond.

Tiger: "Stevie, what's this look like?"

Stevie: "Oy, Tiga, go with the water socks and a bullish noine iron, no?"

Tiger: *Flahses chicklets* "Sure thing". *Stuffs shot to 8 inches of pin*

Come back, Tiger. I haven't watched a stroke of golf in damn near two months.

Street parking available!

Somewhere, the Governor of Chaleeforneya cringes and a Prius owner snickers.

Kite surfing in a hurricane should be on your bucket list

High winds + human attached to a kite + local television crew = 5 minutes of my morning wasted on the Internet laughing at a human tumbleweed.

Video here...

Make sure to stick around for the slow-motion replay

(Via TBL)

Usainity!

So I'm behind like a caboose on this one, but Usain Bolt is no one-trick pony. To make the easy comparison, "Lighting" is the ground version of Michael Phelps. Boy can flat out RUN. After making the 100 meter field look foolish, Bolt goes for the 200 meter gold tonight (or today, or yesterday or tomorrow? I have no idea, China).

Sure he makes Terrel Owens look modest, but when you dust the field by two body lengths, cross the finish line slowing down, a shoe untied, arms up while setting the Olympic and World record? The world is in your rear view, Mr. Bolt - celebrate away.

Side note: Mr. Bolt? That sounds like the Sears mascot that never happened.

Admire video editing at its highest level

It takes a special human to start his or her own business. You must have a vision, set goals and persevere through challenging times. But once you're off the ground, what better way to share your brilliant light bulb moment with the world than a snazzy video on YouTube.

Now I know you have questions, so let me answer what I can.

Yes, you are watching the editor/producer/director make his cuts "live". Yes, this is a real video. And yes, Greg Mandanis is an editing prodigy.

Note the smooth transitions (star cut @ 2:40, anyone?), intricate dialogue ("they can't stick to what they do best") and appropriate costumes (youscreenwriter.com tee shirts with text extending well into the arm pits).

More action, you say? Head over to youscreenwriter.com - home of the Mandanis empire and brilliant headlines such as "Write - Direct - Produce - Get Expert Adive - Share With Others - Sell Yourself".

Sell yourself? What? Hookers everywhere agree.

The rise (and falls) of Alicia Sacramone

I had a technological break through last night. Using my cumbersome cable tv guide, I located four NBC channels providing Olympic programming, selected a channel at random and actually enjoyed the events I caught. NBC's coverage, while expansive, can be maddening to navigate on the television. With that said, off we go...

First up, Team Table Tennis. I have a really hard time seeing the need for a teammate on a "court" that spans a whopping 5 feet in width. Getting a direct shot to the forehead from your partner's paddle looks inevitable in this event. Nonetheless, it was fun to watch the little white ball zoom across the table after one side initiates the stare at the floating ball serve

Next, Men's 800 meter relay. This was my first Michael Phelps sighting of the Olympics (yes, I missed that relay) but the guy looked like the CIA's secret swimming specimen. I mean it's one thing to out swim the green world record line, but another to dust the camera man. At one point in the telecast Phelps was swimming so fast that the camera operator had no choice but to show only the few mortals in the same shot as Phelps.


And lastly, Alicia Sacramone (also known as Women's gymnastics). After watching the gang of middle schoolers China threw out on the floor, all eyes turned to the U.S Women - or so I thought. Enter Alicia Sacramone. It didn't take long for me to see that this girl was going to generate some serious attention. She's good looking, can throw a mean left hook, represented the U.S in front of a world audience and, well, unfortunately for her, probably cost the U.S a gold medal. Turns out I was right. TBL was all over this as well, but "Alicia Sacramone is hot" was being googled all over the place (reaching the number one spot by 10:30 am, Wednesday morning).

Sacramone didn't have the best performance on the world's largest stage, and apparently some people had a problem with that. Pardon me while I get fired up, but this is why I can't stand Internet comment boards.

From some idiot on the dallasnews.com comment board
James Roberts: You have single-handedly brought disgrace and dishonor to this country. You should be ashamed of yourself, as this country is ashamed of your performance and regrets selecting you to represent us on the world stage.

No, James, the honor of bringing shame on yourself goes to you. Let me guess - mid 30's, white, single, shit job and still pissed you couldn't make the 8th grade basketball team because your Rec Specs kept falling off? People like you are a joke. I may be no better for firing back under the anonymity of my ridiculously titled blog but attacking an Olympic athlete who has dedicated years of his or her life for ONE moment is mind blowing.

Unfortunately for Alicia and many others, the reach of the Internet is limitless, even to the dimwit's of Texas (save Colin and a few other souls).

With Hanging Knuckler on the pine, Sox turn to Hanging Curve

Somebody alert Tripp Copp and the Byrd's Nest - Paul Byrd is on the move to Boston. I'm hoping for the 2007 ALDS and ALCS version of the pseudo Kelsey Grammer. And this just in from Wikipedia:

Byrd has written a book called Free Byrd about his life, detailing both his devout Christianity and addiction to pornography, among other things.

Holy odd combination, Batman. Useful information if you're the Red Sox traveling secretary as you try and sort out the mysterious $350 charge for "Channel 710" in the hotel.

SI.com is reporting that Byrd was dealt to the Sox for "a player to be named or cash". Deals like this go down frequently in baseball and they always leave me wondering - how much cash and what player? Do the Sox throw the Indians a 20 spot and a napkin that says I.O.U a bit more? What players can and can't be named later?

Further proof that I would flounder as the GM of any baseball team not named the Kansas City T-Bones.

Your Monday morning invisibility update

So this will be quick and painless, but add this story to your things to watch (get it?) over the next couple of years. Invisibility? Really? Imagine the possibilities! What would you do if you could be invisible?

Me, you ask? Well Kevin Bacon took all my ideas in Hollow Man, but Elizabeth Shue would probably be involved.

Pet peeve post time

Shootin' from the hip here - time to get after the little sayings that bug.

"It is what it is" - Uh, of course it is. If it wasn't what it is, it wouldn't be it in the first place. Should we also announce when it isn't what it is? Whatever is on a beach in Costa Rica, glad he/she is no longer busy being used as the lamest cop out word or phrase in our language.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too" - Not only can I have my cake and eat it, I should have my cake and eat it. What else would I do with perfectly good cake? I mean it's not ruined, is it? Phrases that could mirror the stupidity of the cake line include:
- You can't earn a paycheck and spend it too
- You can't chew your food and swallow it too
- You can't be a fat cat and fly too
- You can't be Brett Favre and not annoy Andy too

"I could care less" - I recommend not tipping your hand and letting everyone know that while your level of caring is low, there is in fact room for even less caring.

Just the tip of the iceberg, more to come soon I'm sure.

Have a good weekend, readers and readettes.

Favre saga looks to dump Mr. 3 And Out on Chiefs

Let us pay just a bit more attention to the media black hole that is Brett Favre. Could the Favre to NY deal hit close to the confines of Arrowhead stadium? Reports are buzzing about Chad Pennington to the Chiefs for an old days reunion with Herman "I like defense more than you" Edwards. Pardon while I become less excited about the Chiefs at an exponential rate. Chad Pennington? The first image that pops in my head is Pennington with a shoulder sling on. Any mental imagery after that consists of Pennington creatively executing the incomplete pass. I see where your head is at, Herm. You like defense so much, you're willing to go out and find the guy who will get your defense back on the field in no time. This may be the year of the 3 and out for the ol' Chefs.

I hope King Karl can get something right, for his sake, the Chiefs faithful, for the sake of Whitlock's keyboard and last but not least, Elvis Grbac.

Favre Fetched

Great opportunity to lay out two birds with one stone - Brett Favre (pet peeve) and Brett Favre (sports).

For those who followed my day one post, you may recall I find any talk of Favre's pseudo retirement absolutely maddening. At that point in the sporting universe it was mere speculation - hearsay, an ESPN driven storyline. But now? My dreams of a Favre-free SportsCenter have been crushed. A couple of errant text messages between agents, owners, Favre and reporters and we have Favregate '08 (part II).

(Side note: Can anyone explain why texting gets the shaft in the media these days? When SportsCenter broke the story about Favre communicating with Chris Mortensen via text, the anchor repeated "text message" like Favre sent Mort a moldy tube sock with a message inside. Is the difference between an email and text that substantial? I'm here to stand up for the quick little messages - even if they're getting expensive.)

Back to the land of Cheese Heads and hunting vests. I'm afraid I lack the perspective to understand why, who and how Brett Favre returning to the Packers benefits ANYONE. Sure, he's one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and still makes plays that people absolutely don't shut up about. BUT this isn't your typical Michael Jordan I want to play for - and own - the Washington Wizards comeback. This is I will hold my old team for $25 million in ransom, return against their wishes with the commissioner's blessing and then (THIS JUST IN) ask for a release-type comeback. What!? Who the hell is your agent AND is he/she/it a carny from the circus with really small hands? Used car salesmen think this deal is shockingly shitty. This is how you want to cap off your 17 year career in Green Bay and thank the fans for their support? The same fans that looked like idiots standing up for you in recent weeks?

What drives all of this? The Wrangler Jeans commercial shoots weren't competitive enough? You miss that "special feeling on Sunday" all the ex NFL'ers talk about? The need for competition, camaraderie and praise? It's called GOLF, Brett. Pick up the sticks, your good ol' boys, and the green's fees.

I can't imagine a bigger slap in the face, Packers fans. He said no to $25 million to sit on the sideline and act busy, said no to playing for you again but said YES to a trade with - get this - any of your division rivals! Just keep all this in mind when Favre once again decides to hang 'em up, take 'em down, call Peter King, text Chris Mortensen and drive me to near violence against my television set.

Please, NFL season, start so you can finish. I've already had enough.

Updates coming...

A busy week (already?) in the movie biz - standby, I'll get something up soon.

Quality over quantity, people - this will not be a Costco style blog! (Although I do need a crate of salsa for $3). Fat cats, flat tires, Ferraris and earthquakes - and that was just last week!

See you back on the Inter Web soon.

I see you seeing me...sorta

Back when I first started this blog (a mere two weeks ago), I envisioned a Tom Cruise in Times Square from Vanilla Sky-like scene. An empty arena, a place that looks like someone should be there - merely reduced to random thoughts about fat cats falling from airplanes (yes, I foresaw myself writing about cats two weeks ago).

Well, I'm proud to announce my vision was incorrect. No empty Times Square for you, Andy. Instead? A Times Square with anywhere from 11 to 26 people per day. 26 people in one day!? Sweet mother of all time attendance record!

Naturally your next question (as long as I'm writing, at least) is how do you, Andy, have such connections? How do you know how many people are in your personal Times Square?

My rebuttal: Google Analytics. And not only do I know how many of you read this, I know where you live, how long you leave your browser idle on my page while you step away to do something more interesting AND what you were wearing. Ok, kidding about clothes thing - but I wouldn't put it past the googly eyes of Google.

And please keep your laughter to a minimum as you observe that a hefty portion of my visits come from the Golden State. I wish I could claim it wasn't just me.

I sincerely thank those of you who are visiting. This is a fun experiment and I plan to continue until the hate mail outnumbers the visitors on the site.

Visitors (total) - 366
Hate mail (Grant's comment) - 1

Mistermcc lives another day.