Saturday, November 15, 2008

Your obligatory pet peeve post

What, did you think I found it in myself to quit complaining? Not a chance.

Here we go...

1. Leaf Blowers - Easily the most annoying and useless member of the yard work family. Explain to me the importance and necessity of getting grass off your sidewalk. More so, explain to me the necessity of getting the grass off the sidewalk right outside my window, every Saturday, at 8:30am. *Side note - how bad would it suck to be grass? Think about it. You get run over and chopped once a week, left for dead in the winter, replaced by auto-grass if you don't perform, can't even rest on sidewalks and dogs are SUPPOSED to shit on you!?

2. Sitting through voicemail instructions prior to leaving a voicemail
- Thanks, 1990, for telling me I can press 1 to leave a message, press 2 to page this person, press 3 to leave a numeric message, press # to review my message, press * for Spanish and of course, press the end button to hang up. A numeric message? Really? What, are we supposed to be fluent in L33t speak now? Idiots. Shorten it up.
*h3y, gr8 2 h3r3 4rom y0u. Ca77 m3!

3. Can't work the Canon - I see it time and time again, but people who don't understand the basic rules for operating a camera drive me nuts. One, do not take a picture with the sun directly behind you. You will be reduced to a confused silhouette. Two, your flash is not a get out of jail free card for poor lighting, especially at night. If you can barely see what you're shooting, the flash is useless. Three, resist using the flash as a method to heat someone's face. There is no reason to stick the camera close enough to identify a zit from 6th grade.

A generous estimation - when shooting people with flash, no closer than three feet, no further than ten.

Camera idiocy has infected the cell phone-touting public as well. Please sir, your two year old Blackberry will not capture the end zone celebration at the Jets game, especially when you're in the 700 section. What do you think this is, Mission Impossible 4? And even if you do snap what you think is a keeper, when the heck are you going to use it? You plan on showing your friends that? "Uh, great shot Phil, I can get a better shot on google maps."

I'm not saying cell phone cameras are useless, but you'll get nowhere if you don't understand the limitations of your lens.

4. Time Warner Cable -
Ah, the grand daddy of them all. This could, and may be, on everyone's pet peeve list. And why limit ourselves to Time Warner? Cable companies in general are a pain in your seat cushion. Just yesterday I called to inquire as to why my Internet serviced had suddenly quit. I did my part, checked the cable connections, router settings and power cycled all the appropriate equipment.

So when push comes to getting shot, I whip out the iWontWork phone and dial up 1-888-TWCABLE. Who is there to greet me? An automated operator of course. But this special auto bot asks for your phone number. Ok, I say, and oblige. Then, I'm dumped into another system - more questions, and again, I'm asked for my phone number. So two minutes in, and I've given out my phone number twice, and received nothing in return except a mind-numbingly excessive message from the hold "music" that "Time Warner is all the best!".


Anyway, minutes later, after memorizing the hold message while mouthing the words, I'm finally greeted by a human. And the first question I get? You guessed it, what's your phone number. WHAT THE HELL, people!? I called you with a question and I've done nothing but answer them for the first six minutes of this call. I understand this information is to "help us better serve you" and I'm fine with that - under the condition that you use it!

And don't even get me started (too late) on the paper mailings from Time Warner. Please, send me more information about your digital phone service for only $29.95 a month! Maybe this time the envelope will even make it into my kitchen, rather than getting ripped up the instant I take it out of the mailbox.

And I'm sure this is all part of Time Warner's attempt to "Go Green".

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