Saturday, November 15, 2008

Your obligatory pet peeve post

What, did you think I found it in myself to quit complaining? Not a chance.

Here we go...

1. Leaf Blowers - Easily the most annoying and useless member of the yard work family. Explain to me the importance and necessity of getting grass off your sidewalk. More so, explain to me the necessity of getting the grass off the sidewalk right outside my window, every Saturday, at 8:30am. *Side note - how bad would it suck to be grass? Think about it. You get run over and chopped once a week, left for dead in the winter, replaced by auto-grass if you don't perform, can't even rest on sidewalks and dogs are SUPPOSED to shit on you!?

2. Sitting through voicemail instructions prior to leaving a voicemail
- Thanks, 1990, for telling me I can press 1 to leave a message, press 2 to page this person, press 3 to leave a numeric message, press # to review my message, press * for Spanish and of course, press the end button to hang up. A numeric message? Really? What, are we supposed to be fluent in L33t speak now? Idiots. Shorten it up.
*h3y, gr8 2 h3r3 4rom y0u. Ca77 m3!

3. Can't work the Canon - I see it time and time again, but people who don't understand the basic rules for operating a camera drive me nuts. One, do not take a picture with the sun directly behind you. You will be reduced to a confused silhouette. Two, your flash is not a get out of jail free card for poor lighting, especially at night. If you can barely see what you're shooting, the flash is useless. Three, resist using the flash as a method to heat someone's face. There is no reason to stick the camera close enough to identify a zit from 6th grade.

A generous estimation - when shooting people with flash, no closer than three feet, no further than ten.

Camera idiocy has infected the cell phone-touting public as well. Please sir, your two year old Blackberry will not capture the end zone celebration at the Jets game, especially when you're in the 700 section. What do you think this is, Mission Impossible 4? And even if you do snap what you think is a keeper, when the heck are you going to use it? You plan on showing your friends that? "Uh, great shot Phil, I can get a better shot on google maps."

I'm not saying cell phone cameras are useless, but you'll get nowhere if you don't understand the limitations of your lens.

4. Time Warner Cable -
Ah, the grand daddy of them all. This could, and may be, on everyone's pet peeve list. And why limit ourselves to Time Warner? Cable companies in general are a pain in your seat cushion. Just yesterday I called to inquire as to why my Internet serviced had suddenly quit. I did my part, checked the cable connections, router settings and power cycled all the appropriate equipment.

So when push comes to getting shot, I whip out the iWontWork phone and dial up 1-888-TWCABLE. Who is there to greet me? An automated operator of course. But this special auto bot asks for your phone number. Ok, I say, and oblige. Then, I'm dumped into another system - more questions, and again, I'm asked for my phone number. So two minutes in, and I've given out my phone number twice, and received nothing in return except a mind-numbingly excessive message from the hold "music" that "Time Warner is all the best!".


Anyway, minutes later, after memorizing the hold message while mouthing the words, I'm finally greeted by a human. And the first question I get? You guessed it, what's your phone number. WHAT THE HELL, people!? I called you with a question and I've done nothing but answer them for the first six minutes of this call. I understand this information is to "help us better serve you" and I'm fine with that - under the condition that you use it!

And don't even get me started (too late) on the paper mailings from Time Warner. Please, send me more information about your digital phone service for only $29.95 a month! Maybe this time the envelope will even make it into my kitchen, rather than getting ripped up the instant I take it out of the mailbox.

And I'm sure this is all part of Time Warner's attempt to "Go Green".

Friday, November 7, 2008

Back on the board

Ridiculousnessocity has been ridiculousness-less for long enough, so I'm off the bench like James Posey. Here we go...


Time to pull back the covers on the device that, not so long ago, swept the nation off its feet and into line - the iPhone 3G. Expecting rave reviews? Look elsewhere.

This phone continues to suck itself into a funnel of suckiness - amidst a bundle of "updates" and other iPhony Apple ploys to cover their tail. Truth is, the iPhone isn't half bad at everything BUT the phone function. Nothing like your calls dropping faster than freshmen in Math 001. Once a day, without a doubt. In fact, a day with just one "call failed" is a day of joy, celebration and a call to customer service to inquire why things are working. Ever hear those "more bars in more places" commercials from At&t? What they fail to mention is that a bar is as useful as a dead wombat. What the hell am I going to do with 5 dead wombats? Seriously, your coverage has more holes than the Chief's secondary and O.J's defense argument (either trial). The latest malfunction has the ear piece speaker choosing not to work at its own discretion. Don't worry, not being able to hear the other end of a phone conversation isn't that important. I mean there's always texting, email and carrier pigeons.

Happy, happy from the US Postal Service!

I could go on an absolute tear (pun intended) about the postal workers here in Los Angeles, but in fear that one may be reading while updating their "to kill" list and cleaning an M-16, I'll resist. However, take a second to observe photographic evidence that someone, somewhere really, really wanted to hear a singing birthday card. What song was it supposed to sing? That, I'll never know. By the looks of the card, it released a noise causing a postal worker to ...wait for it... GO POSTAL. Keep in mind that I made no attempt to alter the state of the card before this picture. It came just like this, inside a plastic bad with a rubber band around it. So, thanks, Postmaster. Way to tear me a new one.

Long distance dilema

I try to stay away from too much personal talk on my blog, seeing that it's visible to any human with a computer and Internet connection (including those wacky Mandanises). But I suppose I'll let you in on the perils of my long distance relationship. That pretty young creature in the pink dress atop this page is my girlfriend. Has been for nearly 11 months. Wonderful girl who I have the absolute best time with when we're together. Problem is, we're never together. I live in LA, she lives in KC. We get about four days a month, and that's on a good month. Sounds easy, right? Suck it up for the 25 or so days in between? Well, it doesn't work like that. No amount of texts, emails, calls, letters, flowers, and smoke signals can make up for the simplicity and comfort of being face to face with your significant other. I'd be lying if I told you I thought it would be easy, but I'd also be lying if I said I thought it'd be this hard. So when is too little not enough? Sounds dumb, I know. I just hope I don't have to answer that question any time soon. If you're reading, Ky, thanks for putting up with me for this long. Its been a hell of a ride.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Yes, keyboards in California still work.

I must start and finish this post with a profuse apology to you, you, you, her and myself (that covers it!) for taking 45 days off from peppering your monitors with my random, scrambled egg-like thoughts.

I promise, the days of a stale ridiculousnessocity are coming to an end.

As for now, I'm gathering a game plan to prevent a fossil from taking office. Only time, Missouri, Florida and a handful of other meth-producing states will tell until then.

More coming soon...