Stop the presses!

Stop what you are doing. Seriously, stop right now. There is breaking news from the sporting world. News so shocking that you may need a glass of water, five minutes for mourning and free long distance to call a loved one.

Ready for it?

BRETT FAVRE IS HINTING AT RETIREMENT.

You don't say?! Brett Favre, retire? Why on earth would a 39-year-old with an antique shoulder who just wants to hunt, text GM's and come out of retirement, want to retire?

Brett Favre missed the memo. It is not necessary to retire at the end of each season. As each season comes to a close, Brett, each player engages in what's called an "off season." Say it with me now, nice and slow - offff seeassoon.

A normal off season? Maybe a vacation with the family followed closely by a strictly-regimented workout plan.

But a Favre off season? First, swear off retirement. Let everyone know that you feel "great" and that you "still feel like you can contribute". The day after your press conference announcing your non-retirement, send a text message to your agent mentioning that you have an itch to retire. Make sure this text finds its way to Peter King. Once this headline dominates SportsCenter, hold another press conference and state that you have no idea where all this talk about retirement came from, and that you still feel "great" and "just want to hunt". After declaring your love for hunting and not retiring, simply disappear for three weeks in Mississippi claiming the need "to think about some things". Lastly, emerge shortly after training camp ends and state that you are "fit to play, and still ready to compete". If all goes as planned (and how things have gone the last five years), you'll be playing football holding a new franchise for ransom in no time.

And now, in light of this "event", my least favorite sporting events of the year.

1. The NFL draft (see also, offensive lineman drafted in the seventh round)
2. Brett Favre retiring (considered an actual event after happening at least once a year since 2001.)
3. College Football Bowl Season (see below post)

Amped up for the EagleBank bowl game!

I'm shaking with excitement as I type. Can you guess why? No, it's not the small cup of fatty caffeine I just swiped from Starbucks. No, it's not the fact that Brett Favre has lost two weeks in a row. And no, it has nothing to do with March Madness being three and a half months away. It's college football bowl season which means it's time to anxiously await games like the EagleBank bowl game, R+L Carriers bowl game, and for all you pizza lovers, the papajohns.com bowl game.

You see when I realize it's bowl season, the soundtrack of my life plays a lonely cricket chirping in a field. Or maybe awkward applause.

Why?

Because the majority of these bowl games are similar to first round March Madness games. While more evenly matched than, say, a 1 v. 16 college basketball matchup, games like Wake Forest vs. Navy, Colorado vs. Fresno State and Memphis vs. South Florida are sure to provide some excitement. But what's the most exciting part about the first round games in March? Your team has the chance to move on and play again! In college football? Nope. Here you go, TCU, congrats on winning the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsetta Bowl! You now have better credit than the team you just defeated.

Ok, Oklahoma vs. Florida has a chance to be a good game - too bad you have to wait 40 something days to find out.

Your obligatory pet peeve post

What, did you think I found it in myself to quit complaining? Not a chance.

Here we go...

1. Leaf Blowers - Easily the most annoying and useless member of the yard work family. Explain to me the importance and necessity of getting grass off your sidewalk. More so, explain to me the necessity of getting the grass off the sidewalk right outside my window, every Saturday, at 8:30am. *Side note - how bad would it suck to be grass? Think about it. You get run over and chopped once a week, left for dead in the winter, replaced by auto-grass if you don't perform, can't even rest on sidewalks and dogs are SUPPOSED to shit on you!?


2. Sitting through voicemail instructions prior to leaving a voicemail - Thanks, 1990, for telling me I can press 1 to leave a message, press 2 to page this person, press 3 to leave a numeric message, press # to review my message, press * for Spanish and of course, press the end button to hang up. A numeric message? Really? What, are we supposed to be fluent in L33t speak now? Idiots. Shorten it up.
*h3y, gr8 2 h3r3 4rom y0u. Ca77 m3!

3. Can't work the Canon - I see it time and time again, but people who don't understand the basic rules for operating a camera drive me nuts. One, do not take a picture with the sun directly behind you. You will be reduced to a confused silhouette. Two, your flash is not a get out of jail free card for poor lighting, especially at night. If you can barely see what you're shooting, the flash is useless. Three, resist using the flash as a method to heat someone's face. There is no reason to stick the camera close enough to identify a zit from 6th grade.

A generous estimation - when shooting people with flash, no closer than three feet, no further than ten.

Camera idiocy has infected the cell phone-touting public as well. Please sir, your two year old Blackberry will not capture the end zone celebration at the Jets game, especially when you're in the 700 section. What do you think this is, Mission Impossible 4? And even if you do snap what you think is a keeper, when the heck are you going to use it? You plan on showing your friends that? "Uh, great shot Phil, I can get a better shot on google maps."

I'm not saying cell phone cameras are useless, but you'll get nowhere if you don't understand the limitations of your lens.


4. Time Warner Cable - Ah, the grand daddy of them all. This could, and may be, on everyone's pet peeve list. And why limit ourselves to Time Warner? Cable companies in general are a pain in your seat cushion. Just yesterday I called to inquire as to why my Internet serviced had suddenly quit. I did my part, checked the cable connections, router settings and power cycled all the appropriate equipment.

So when push comes to getting shot, I whip out the iWontWork phone and dial up 1-888-TWCABLE. Who is there to greet me? An automated operator of course. But this special auto bot asks for your phone number. Ok, I say, and oblige. Then, I'm dumped into another system - more questions, and again, I'm asked for my phone number. So two minutes in, and I've given out my phone number twice, and received nothing in return except a mind-numbingly excessive message from the hold "music" that "Time Warner is all the best!".

Right.

Anyway, minutes later, after memorizing the hold message while mouthing the words, I'm finally greeted by a human. And the first question I get? You guessed it, what's your phone number. WHAT THE HELL, people!? I called you with a question and I've done nothing but answer them for the first six minutes of this call. I understand this information is to "help us better serve you" and I'm fine with that - under the condition that you use it!

And don't even get me started (too late) on the paper mailings from Time Warner. Please, send me more information about your digital phone service for only $29.95 a month! Maybe this time the envelope will even make it into my kitchen, rather than getting ripped up the instant I take it out of the mailbox.

And I'm sure this is all part of Time Warner's attempt to "Go Green".

Back on the board

Ridiculousnessocity has been ridiculousness-less for long enough, so I'm off the bench like James Posey. Here we go...

iWontWork
Time to pull back the covers on the device that, not so long ago, swept the nation off its feet and into line - the iPhone 3G. Expecting rave reviews? Look elsewhere.

This phone continues to suck itself into a funnel of suckiness - amidst a bundle of "updates" and other iPhony Apple ploys to cover their tail. Truth is, the iPhone isn't half bad at everything BUT the phone function. Nothing like your calls dropping faster than freshmen in Math 001. Once a day, without a doubt. In fact, a day with just one "call failed" is a day of joy, celebration and a call to customer service to inquire why things are working. Ever hear those "more bars in more places" commercials from At&t? What they fail to mention is that a bar is as useful as a dead wombat. What the hell am I going to do with 5 dead wombats? Seriously, your coverage has more holes than the Chief's secondary and O.J's defense argument (either trial). The latest malfunction has the ear piece speaker choosing not to work at its own discretion. Don't worry, not being able to hear the other end of a phone conversation isn't that important. I mean there's always texting, email and carrier pigeons.


Happy, happy from the US Postal Service!

I could go on an absolute tear (pun intended) about the postal workers here in Los Angeles, but in fear that one may be reading while updating their "to kill" list and cleaning an M-16, I'll resist. However, take a second to observe photographic evidence that someone, somewhere really, really wanted to hear a singing birthday card. What song was it supposed to sing? That, I'll never know. By the looks of the card, it released a noise causing a postal worker to ...wait for it... GO POSTAL. Keep in mind that I made no attempt to alter the state of the card before this picture. It came just like this, inside a plastic bad with a rubber band around it. So, thanks, Postmaster. Way to tear me a new one.





Long distance dilema
I try to stay away from too much personal talk on my blog, seeing that it's visible to any human with a computer and Internet connection (including those wacky Mandanises). But I suppose I'll let you in on the perils of my long distance relationship. That pretty young creature in the pink dress atop this page is my girlfriend. Has been for nearly 11 months. Wonderful girl who I have the absolute best time with when we're together. Problem is, we're never together. I live in LA, she lives in KC. We get about four days a month, and that's on a good month. Sounds easy, right? Suck it up for the 25 or so days in between? Well, it doesn't work like that. No amount of texts, emails, calls, letters, flowers, and smoke signals can make up for the simplicity and comfort of being face to face with your significant other. I'd be lying if I told you I thought it would be easy, but I'd also be lying if I said I thought it'd be this hard. So when is too little not enough? Sounds dumb, I know. I just hope I don't have to answer that question any time soon. If you're reading, Ky, thanks for putting up with me for this long. Its been a hell of a ride.

Yes, keyboards in California still work.

I must start and finish this post with a profuse apology to you, you, you, her and myself (that covers it!) for taking 45 days off from peppering your monitors with my random, scrambled egg-like thoughts.

I promise, the days of a stale ridiculousnessocity are coming to an end.

As for now, I'm gathering a game plan to prevent a fossil from taking office. Only time, Missouri, Florida and a handful of other meth-producing states will tell until then.

More coming soon...

From King Carl with love

Dear Chiefs fan,

Hi there. We're glad you're up early on the west coast, ready to spend your morning hours watching professional athletes put on a show. After all, that is what we're paid to do. However, before things get complicated, we would like to take this time to specify how we define entertainment.

Today, against the Raiders, we're going to showcase our youth and depth at quarterback. Please be patient as we rotate three quaterbacks before halftime. Also, please note that our running game is still in BETA form* - but 55 total rushing yards is appropriate when your team focus is on defense, right?

Hopefully we'll have this whole winning this figured out by week 14, just enough time to slide up in the draft for next year!

Warmest regards,

Your 2008 Kansas City Chiefs

T.O vs. Bolt or Ocho Cinco vs. Michael Phelps?

In a stunning development, it seems that Chad Ocho Cinco* and Terrell Owens feel as if they're lacking in the attention department. These two NFL ball hawks have had it up to here (insert marginally tall, imaginary line) with all the circus and celebration over Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt. What, you didn't know Chad Spanglish was a three time Charles Hadley pool champ? You didn't know Terrell "iPopcorn" Owens was faster (with a 20 yard head start) than Lightning Bolt? How foolish of you to doubt the all-world, all-everything abilities of these two NFLer's. Some say such claims are foolish. But why doubt a man who beat a horse, unfair and no where near square?

Rather than ask who would win their respective contest, I'm interested in which of these races would be more fun to watch?

I'll turn this over to the question of the week.

In classic PTI style, who ya got?

Terrell Owens vs. Usain Bolt
-or-
Chad Ocho Cinco vs. Michael Phelps

*Yes, that's right, Chad Ocho Cinco. Formerly known as Chad Johnson. When your career hits a slow spot, go Diddy or Prince and drop a "formerly known as" on them.