Best instructions. Ever.

I have a fear of instructions and I don't know why. Not so much the verbal type, more so the written-out, folded-up, you-must-read-me-or-fail kind. I'm repeatedly convinced I can do without such petty orders.

"It's a freakin' drawer from IKEA," I say.*

"An alarm clock? To hell with that, you plug it in and it works, end of story."**

But why do I resist the directions again and again? Here's why - it's one thing to fail at putting together a desk or table without directions. But if you really want to feel like a horses ass, trying failing at this tasks while using the manufacturer-provided help. Just about the time you plug hole 13 with peg A1, your friend walks over and points out you've actually constructed a giant giraffe piñata instead of a table.

Anyway, the time came to replace the printer cartridge at the office yesterday. What comes with this new printer ammo? Super-detailed, CIA-like instructions. Let's take a look:


Step 1: Find a typewriter. Proceed to prime with left thumb 5-6 times.

Setp 2: Locate butter knife. Butter side of typewriter until clicking noise or arrow appears

Step 3: Open trunk of printer.

Step 4: Place typewriter in trunk of printer.

Step 5: Do not look at this crack from up-close.
Step 6: Do not ever touch typewriter in this spot.

I understand we're under an invasion of economic doom and gloom, but no words with my directions? All of a sudden I'm playing pictionary with the flap of a box. Can I get some details?

* I put the IKEA drawer together upside down and backwards. And the front panel fell off. FAIL.

** The alarm clock was set to military time for the first 12 hours I owned it. Had to find a Logitech message board for help.