Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Quick hitters

Doritos Of Death - Paging all beautiful, health-consciousness, attractive, smart, good looking, witty young women willing to drag my ass to Whole Foods.

Why? Because my list of life's nutritious necessities goes something like this:
1. Doritos
2. Stella
3. Oxygen

I've tried all imaginable preventative tricks - hide the damn Doritos, don't buy the damn Doritos, eat all the damn Doritos so there are none left, put cottage cheese all over the damn Doritos.

Nothing works. The Dorito is now the Erin Andrews of snack food - I can't get enough no matter how full I am.

Delay Of Game - I have a healthy list of rants on the NFL, but today I stick to the chain gang.

I'm a neutral NFL fan. I don't have a team I paint my extremities for and I don't wake up at 8:30 AM for anything but work and that goddamn weed eater outside my window on Saturdays.

So how does that affect my NFL viewing experience?

I have a lot more time to bitch about the little things.

Today I admired the process of the NFL chain gang. For those of you not familiar with this brilliant symphony of human interaction and 1950's technology, you're not missing anything. Two sticks bound together by a chain measuring 10 yards in length are used to determine whether or not the ball has advanced 10 yards, or enough for the 1st down.

But what I don't get is why the hell this process is used when it's not needed. Like today. When the 40 yard line represented the first down. And the ball was spotted at the 39 yard line. What the hell is there to spot? Nothing. It's 36 inches from the promised land, fellas. Move on.

Instead, we watch two old guys trot out with chains, stare at a football and make a gesture with their hands representing a vague translation of the distance between football and first down.

At least it's fair, accurate and free of human error.

Weak rant, I know. But don't worry, I'm going to bring it when I let loose on instant replay.