From King Carl with love

Dear Chiefs fan,

Hi there. We're glad you're up early on the west coast, ready to spend your morning hours watching professional athletes put on a show. After all, that is what we're paid to do. However, before things get complicated, we would like to take this time to specify how we define entertainment.

Today, against the Raiders, we're going to showcase our youth and depth at quarterback. Please be patient as we rotate three quaterbacks before halftime. Also, please note that our running game is still in BETA form* - but 55 total rushing yards is appropriate when your team focus is on defense, right?

Hopefully we'll have this whole winning this figured out by week 14, just enough time to slide up in the draft for next year!

Warmest regards,

Your 2008 Kansas City Chiefs

T.O vs. Bolt or Ocho Cinco vs. Michael Phelps?

In a stunning development, it seems that Chad Ocho Cinco* and Terrell Owens feel as if they're lacking in the attention department. These two NFL ball hawks have had it up to here (insert marginally tall, imaginary line) with all the circus and celebration over Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt. What, you didn't know Chad Spanglish was a three time Charles Hadley pool champ? You didn't know Terrell "iPopcorn" Owens was faster (with a 20 yard head start) than Lightning Bolt? How foolish of you to doubt the all-world, all-everything abilities of these two NFLer's. Some say such claims are foolish. But why doubt a man who beat a horse, unfair and no where near square?

Rather than ask who would win their respective contest, I'm interested in which of these races would be more fun to watch?

I'll turn this over to the question of the week.

In classic PTI style, who ya got?

Terrell Owens vs. Usain Bolt
-or-
Chad Ocho Cinco vs. Michael Phelps

*Yes, that's right, Chad Ocho Cinco. Formerly known as Chad Johnson. When your career hits a slow spot, go Diddy or Prince and drop a "formerly known as" on them.

You must resist the Hippie Lettuce at basketball camp

Perhaps Shady's nickname is coming into fruition. This just in from ESPN.com, but it seems that our KU hoop heroes Rio and Shady were given a $20,000 slap on the wrist and sent home from the NBA's rookie transition program for dabbling in some Keon Clark (marijuana, for those of you not named Red kid) . As updates keep coming in from my tightly-wound KU circle, it seems that Michael Beasley may have also been in the room. Another report states that Rio and Co. were hosting a few lady friends.

Just a guess, but I'm thinking (along with Josh Howard) that most of the NBA knows their way around a bag of green stuff. But guys, why bring a bag of the lettuce to a camp that's probably closer to a D.A.R.E convention than a night out at the Hawk? (Minus 1 for Hawk reference).

I hope this doesn't interfere too much with their respective rookie campaigns, especially with Rio being close to a starting spot.

Live and learn when to burn, fellas.

Google Analytics will break you down, one report at a time

I was unaware that my overall site visitation number possessed the ability to actually drop as if people were "un"visiting the site. Dear Internet, is such a thing possible?

*Flashback to classic Dwight Schrute quote*
Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.

So back to the matter at hand. Maybe I didn't read the fine print, but why is Mr. Google Analytic playing with my emotions? I'm trying to set a monthly attendance record here, machine - I have goals to achieve!

From what I can tell, the overall numbers are dropping, but the daily visitation looks to be correct. More confused than an LPGA golfer who doesn't speak English? Me too.

So, while I straighten out my count meter, let me say thanks (again) for visiting and unvisiting my site. Also, I'd like send a shout out to my Oregon and Georgia reader(s). Your visitation will not go unnoticed unless Google Analytics feels the need to take you away from me as well.

State Reader Rankings: (CA doesn't count)
1.Kansas
2.Ohio
3.Texas
4.Missouri
5.North Carolina

Get your state on the map, people.

Wade Boggs does not know where your Miller Lite went

I now present to the few faithful readers remaining, one of the greatest behind-the-scenes tales ever told.

Enter the world of Wade Boggs. Boggs was a central sports figure of my childhood days in Beantown. Anchoring the then mediocre Sox with the likes of a young - and "Vitamin B" free - Clemens, Boggs was an every day hitting machine. All I knew about the guy as a young tot was that he wore black eye paint under his eyes, ate all kinds of chicken before games and could hit a Chinese table tennis spin serve in a full count situation with runners in scoring position to any field.

What I didn't know? Boggs could drink a camel out of the desert.

Of course after his glory days in Boston, Wade jumped ship to the Evil Empire, setting the precedent soon to be followed by Mr. Vitamin B, Johnny NoLongerJesus Damon and Manny TheHumanHeadache Ramirez.

Keep taking the Steinbrenner's money, fellas. We'll take the rings for now.

*Shout out to Pullin The Trigger for the scoop...

Yes, Tiger is that good.

A neat commercial with the man himself takin' one off a lily pad in a pond.

Tiger: "Stevie, what's this look like?"

Stevie: "Oy, Tiga, go with the water socks and a bullish noine iron, no?"

Tiger: *Flahses chicklets* "Sure thing". *Stuffs shot to 8 inches of pin*

Come back, Tiger. I haven't watched a stroke of golf in damn near two months.

Street parking available!

Somewhere, the Governor of Chaleeforneya cringes and a Prius owner snickers.