Ridiculousnessocity

The internet is written in ink - Armond White edition.

2010-10-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

First, skim this column by Armond White. Don't feel like it? Ok, I'll give you a shoddy synopsis below.

Here's the gist of White's article: There are too many novice voices blabbing on the internet and reviewing films. This is a problem, White contends, because these inexperienced voices are nothing more than regurgitated thoughts from the water cooler at work (we have a water trough at work, not sure what century Armond is from). These same voices of the internet masses do not further any stimulating discussions about films, rather people swarm to sites like Rottentomatoes.com, ingest the (according to White) biased reviews and simply spit back out what they've read regardless of what they truly think about the movie. Movies with good reviews will continue to get good reviews because reviewers cave to the peer pressure to fall in line with the rest.

To an extent, I agree with Armond. I agree that the internet and its free-and-easy conditions of anonymity allow for rapid fire, vomit-like text additions. Between twitter feeds and YouTube comment sections, the internet can get uglier quicker than Heidi Montag at a plastic surgeon's office.

But in White's article he's making the case that a few films, notably Toy Story 3, The Dark Knight, and The Social Network, are garnering attention solely due to their marketing budgets and buzz from the brain-washed internet minions. In my opinion, but also in alignment with that damn hype machine Rotten Tomatoes, all three of these films were excellent.

Now before I go on, let me admit I have a horse in this race. A big, fucking show pony in this race. I work at Trigger Street Productions, and my boss, Dana Brunetti, produced The Social Network. Am I too close to the fire to claim I'm not hot? Most would say so. But I'm being as unbiased as you were in your last session of jury duty when I say I'm positively certain this is a fantastic film.

In accordance with White's logic, if I tweet / blog out to my fellow non-professional film critic friends that I loved The Social Network, think it's the best thing since I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and hand jobs (completely unrelated, I swear), the only reason I said that was either a.) I'd read it online, b.) heard it at the water cooler or c.) gotten completely tricked by the Sony marketing department (or for you smart asses scoring at home, d.) because I'm on the payroll).

I assure you none of the above options are the reason I tell people I loved The Social Network. I tell people how great the film is because - wait for it - I think it's a GREAT FILM.

Are the cinema elite the only ones with opinions worth listening to? I enjoy film critics like Peter Travers, Roger Ebert and Armond White as they know the world of film better than I ever will. But it's as if White dismisses the weight of peer opinions, labeling them as a hype machine that misleads us into believing that a film like Toy Story 3 was worth the $16 and a 97% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

White's real issue here is the overwhelming amount of attention he receives for his patented attacks on what the majority of people see as an outstanding film. White seems to think people are so caught up in this peer-induced hype, that there is no way this many amateur film critics, bloggers and people at the water cooler could share such equally high marks for these films.

That's where White is wrong. These movies are that good. The Social Network is that good.

Don't believe me? Go see for yourself. (Ok, that was for the payroll...)

Alex Roman, you have my attention

2010-01-26T14:50:00.000-08:00

Behold ten minutes of unbelievable animation.

That's right, anything you see in this video is computer generated.

The Third & The Seventh from Alex Roman on Vimeo.

Eldrick Tiger Woods

2009-12-23T18:57:00.000-08:00

I'm back. Back from the land of thoughts protected by 140 character limits. Back from the TMZ zone as I try to catch a glimpse of a Tiger in trouble. Back from the swine flu, which turns out is just the flu, which turns out still just sucks.

But why speak now? Why not just twitter some smart ass remark about how much I hate Time Warner or AT&T, you don't ask.

My favorite athlete of all-time. That's why.

Tiger Woods.

I'll cut to the chase on Tiger. We all know what happened. Actually, we all know what may have kinda actually perhaps happened thanks to numerous reliable sources like RadarOnline.com (there are no radars - I checked), The NY Post (they now have a column written by the hooker formerly known as Eliot Spitzer's) and TMZ.com (the only known place where human beings get excited for Octomom.)

The bottom line is Tiger Woods has been cheating. A lot. With all sorts of squirrels. It amounts to another high-profile athlete or celebrity being unfaithful in his or her marriage - clearly nothing new.

So why are we so enthralled with Tiger? He plays golf, a sport most consider slightly less exciting than sitting in a 2 hour line at the DMV on your off day.

Look no further than quality, world-class deceit. Tiger Woods successfully fooled billions of people, some near to him, others continents away, for nearly 13 years. My limited mind knows of no other more thorough, brilliant and successful PR campaign in the history of modern athletic celebrity.

Michael Jordan came close, then allegations of gambling came to light. Kobe Bryant? A night in a Colorado hotel changed his course of endorsement perfection. Every player in baseball was saint-like until every player in baseball took steroids, lied about it, then failed a drug test.

But Tiger? He has a tendency to block his release and slices a drive occasionally. He also frequently mentioned the word "fuck" on CBS.

Seriously, that's it.

We have never seen anything like Tiger. An absolute freak of nature at his sport combined with unmatched endorsement power, he was the perfect canvas for a painting worth over a billion dollars.

That's exactly what Mark Steinberg, Tiger and team IMG painted. And it worked brilliantly.

Until now.

I firmly believe Tiger Woods is better at what he does than anyone else in the WORLD is at what they do. Biased? Hell yes I am. I love golf, but part of loving golf is knowing how hard it is. Golf is more mind control than physical attributes - Tiger Woods is like the Dali Lama meets Lance Armstrong with a touch of Cassius Clay.

But now Tiger has gone from perfect to far from it. From marketable to questionable. From adorned to scorned. Tiger's "transgressions" force me to play a hand. Who do I join, Team "Tiger" or Team "I Can't Believe That Human Screwed Up, I'm Trading In My Buick"?

This sad scandal doesn't change a thing for me as a Tiger Woods fan. I'm not in it for Tiger the spokesperson. I'm not in it for the politically correct press conferences. I'm in it for the golf. Was I fooled by the synthetically polished image for all these years along with everyone else? Yeah, I suppose I was.

But you know what Tiger Woods didn't fake?

14 Major Championships.
71 PGA victorys.
10 PGA Player Of The Year Awards.
Winning the U.S Open on a fractured leg - in a playoff.

That's authentic.

My admiration for Tiger as an athlete is clear, but that's not to say I don't feel for Elin and her family. I can't imagine the hurt of your marriage crumbling down, on a public stage no less.

However, this public undressing of an icon may be for the best. It may be what Tiger needs and it may be what Elin needs.

It's hard to believe that people equipped with the money and power of Tiger Woods are meant for marriage. His life is relentlessly full of commitments to things like commercial shoots, private golf clinics, interviews, sponsor wine and dines and not to mention just a little bit of golf. As hard as golf is, a successful marriage has to be harder. Add on all the above to the hundreds of millions in the bank and nearly every woman you see throwing herself at you and you have a recipe for one trip to a celebrity divorce lawyer's office.

So how does he get out of the (LAME PUN ALERT)woods? Play golf. That's what got you here, to the top of a now-tarnished mountain, and that's your vehicle out. You are the best in the world at something you do, and only a VERY small number of people can say that.

So get the sticks out and swing 'em. Get out the Scotty Cameron and roll one in on 18 at Augusta to win it.

Go back to basics, Tiger. Go back to annihilating any and all on the golf course.

Quick hitters

2009-09-02T23:28:00.000-07:00

Doritos Of Death - Paging all beautiful, health-consciousness, attractive, smart, good looking, witty young women willing to drag my ass to Whole Foods.

Why? Because my list of life's nutritious necessities goes something like this:
1. Doritos
2. Stella
3. Oxygen

I've tried all imaginable preventative tricks - hide the damn Doritos, don't buy the damn Doritos, eat all the damn Doritos so there are none left, put cottage cheese all over the damn Doritos.

Nothing works. The Dorito is now the Erin Andrews of snack food - I can't get enough no matter how full I am.

Delay Of Game - I have a healthy list of rants on the NFL, but today I stick to the chain gang.

I'm a neutral NFL fan. I don't have a team I paint my extremities for and I don't wake up at 8:30 AM for anything but work and that goddamn weed eater outside my window on Saturdays.

So how does that affect my NFL viewing experience?

I have a lot more time to bitch about the little things.

Today I admired the process of the NFL chain gang. For those of you not familiar with this brilliant symphony of human interaction and 1950's technology, you're not missing anything. Two sticks bound together by a chain measuring 10 yards in length are used to determine whether or not the ball has advanced 10 yards, or enough for the 1st down.

But what I don't get is why the hell this process is used when it's not needed. Like today. When the 40 yard line represented the first down. And the ball was spotted at the 39 yard line. What the hell is there to spot? Nothing. It's 36 inches from the promised land, fellas. Move on.

Instead, we watch two old guys trot out with chains, stare at a football and make a gesture with their hands representing a vague translation of the distance between football and first down.

~~At least it's fair, accurate and free of human error.~~

Weak rant, I know. But don't worry, I'm going to bring it when I let loose on instant replay.

I do not mention how much I hate Time Warner in this post

2009-07-12T20:57:00.004-07:00

Since MTV seems to be preoccupied with running "My Super Sweet 16th Birthday: The Spoiled Brat Chronicles" and "The Hills: As Real As The Script Let's Us Be", I've taken it upon myself to highlight a few music videos. In classic tradition, I'm going Good, Bad and Ugly.

The Good:
Fresh of his mainstream fame in "The Hangover", Zac Galifianakis gets his Hype Williams on and crushes these two videos. Simple concept yet really, really funny in both cases.

1.) Fiona Apple - "Not About Love" (YouTube won't let me embed?)
2.) Kanye West - "Can't Tell Me"

(Better quality version here)

The Bad: Muse - Knights of Cydonia
I really don't know where to start with this one. The tone is set around the 1:10 mark. A random, Wade Boggs lookalike cowboy, while riding horse through desert, takes out laser gun and shoots small bush with blue laser, setting it ablaze. I mean why wouldn't you? Clearly that 6 inch bush needed a good burning. And what was it thinking, just growing like that?! Ugh, the nerve of natural vegetation sometimes.

The Ugly: Blondie vs. The Doors - Rapture Rider
First, in no way is this a knock on The Doors - in fact, the first 1:20 are quite enjoyable. But after that initial Doors kick, this wannabe cracked out version of Michelle Pfeiffer comes in and just craps all over the video. Not literally, although some may interpret that as an upgrade. And what the hell is the half-naked black guy dressed as an Indian doing hiding behind a fake bush?! (2:10 mark)

My relationship with Lady Gaga will be contentious from here on out

2009-07-01T22:16:00.000-07:00

It's been months, kids. You know what that means, right? Time to unload those pet peeves like a toddler with a bag of skittles. Did that makes sense? Absolutely not - just prepping you for what's below...

Radio Station loyalty - Poor radio - left in the dust by that damn Internetz years ago, AM/FM radio stations have less to look forward to than Bernie Madoff on a Friday night. Flooded by repetitive Autotune-laced, Lil Wayne-infected, Lady Gaga-esque garbage, radio stations continue to pepper my cranium with 75% garbage music (PITBULL), 10% commercials, 10% self-promotion and 5% quality music that I don't give a shit about.

But for the next paragraph or so, I'd like to focus my bitch juice on the 10% station self-promotion. The new radio station** in Los Angeles seems keen on reminding me of all the listeners that have "made the switch" to the NEW ninetysometherother(point)whatever. Wait, made the switch? Surely these callers mean temporarily, right? No? You're telling me they actually leave their radios tuned to your station while you blast commercials for low interest rate, used car rip-off centers? How loyal of your young brainwashed clan of robots! But hey, Seacrest, get real. The second I hear some thirty-something, wannabe-sexy Dracula voiceover guy trying to pitch me a BK Chicken Crisper, I punch the next number. Hell no I don't know what station I'm changing it to, I just cycle buttons 2 - 6 on my dial until I hit the illustrious commercial-free land.

But what if every one of you clone stations are playing that damn Pitbull song? (It's happened numerous times before) - I lay down my ace-in-the-hole. You guessed it, NPR, motha shuckas. Damn right I'd rather listen to a four minute story on a blind Afghan sheep farmer than hear Lady Gaga talk about her disco stick.

**by new radio station, I mean a station that is an exact clone of at least three others.

Lady Gaga - - This human waste of space is shooting up my list of "Top 3 reasons to Hate Humanity". So far the list goes like this:

1.) Time Warner Cable / AT&T
2.) Lady Gaga
3.) Lady Gaga

If only Lady Gaga would have a dumb robot call me from blocked number every week to remind me about a bill I'm well aware of. Anyone know her reps?

Anyway, I've got questions about this whole "disco stick" she keeps referring to. Since I have no idea what the f*ck that means, can I just make it up and we go from there? Great! Ok, here we go - my disco stick is a Howitzer cannon aimed at your right knee cap. It will fire lead buck shot in your direction next time it hears the song "Poker Face" (t-minus 10 minutes, on those sweet LA radio waves, honey!)

Better stop there, I think I just woke up my local ATF office.

The phrase "Don't Judge a Book by its Cover" - Come on, that's like me telling you not to judge me even though I reek like Colt-45. Sure, I'm probably drunk, but what if I'm not and I just smell??

Ok fine, all the authors / librarians / teachers out there, you win. I promise from here on out I won't judge a book by its cover.

Instead? I'll read the last two pages, back cover and shitty review on Amazon.com.

Lastly - I must apologize for unloading my pent up annoyances on you like Wade Boggs unloads on a 24 rack. I'd like to keep up with this blog, but when you find yourself repeatedly sleeping on a couch at work, it's much easier just to bitch in person. So, to take you into my next post, I leave you with two things I actually like.

1. Charles Hamilton / Drake - Two fresh voices in a terribly stagnant rap music industry. Hate on rap all you want, but there IS good material out there. Neither have a CD out now, just mix tapes that are well worth the search. Here's Charles Hamilton's "Brooklyn Girls"

2. Golf - Ok, it's a bit of a cop-out answer, but I seriously wanted to feed my golf clubs to the next pond I saw for the last year. But, after a couple rehab rounds in San Diego and Ohio, I'm back on the bag. How long will this fix last? Probably until the next 90 I post. Until then, swing away.

Right place, right time.

2009-04-10T16:10:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd go ahead and re-post my KU highlight videos from last year. One, because it's proof that we would kick the shit out of this year's Carolina team (again) and two, because these videos are the reason I have my job today. If it wasn't for the hours of DVR'd hoops games, my laptop (thanks, Dad), Final Cut (thanks, Dad), and free time (thanks Dad / crap San Diego job market), I would've never weaseled my way into the editing / assistant gig I have at Trigger Street. Just a matter of luck (see: preparation meeting opportunity).

Don't settle for spending hours on the resumé, rather find a skill set and learn it.*

*Do not try this with the sport of golf. You will spend anywhere from $3-5k and lose all motivation to continue playing due to plummeting self-esteem and ballooning scores. (See: me)

KU Hoops highlights from TheBigTicket on Vimeo.

Running the table, NCAA Tournament style! from TheBigTicket on Vimeo.

Quick Hitters

2009-04-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

Blogging piñata-style, hit it and see what comes out.

Horoscopes - Let me get this straight, you want me to believe some generalized advice and predictions printed up for the masses based on when my birthday is? That sounds promising. I'll check it once I'm done holding for Ms. Cleo.

North Carolina: Props to Roy for winning one with his own recruits. No props for Hansbrough for anything. At all. Ever.

Bill Self: AP coach of the year honor is well-deserved. Next year should be fun if this "inside info" I've received is correct - Xavier Henry to commit to KU, and Sherron is planning on returning. Watch the F out, Big XII.

L.A Confidential: I'm still dragging ass on getting through all the films K.S has been in but man, this one was worth the wait. Great cast and terrific production value. Bonus points for any movie based in L.A, I love seeing familiar spots on the big screen. And by familiar I may or may not be referring to a street where I received a ticket from the generous LAPD.

Twitter: I've finally come around on this 140 character at a time thought-launching pad. I resisted at first, letting my profile dwindle in obscurity, but reluctance turned to motivation once I saw my Dad had more followers than me. #DadOut-CoolsKid

Nintendo Wii - Throwing your shoulder out while endangering anyone within a six foot radius of you has never been so fun.

Xbox Customer Service - - I'm going to stop listing customer service centers that piss me off. Instead I will list the places that were actually helpful. That list does not start now, as my Xbox customer service experience could be likened to eating glass covered in cottage cheese with a side of mold.

Type Gate '09

2009-03-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

So the ball is in my court. The girlfriend has served up her "Top Guys" list and maintains that she has no "type" of guy she prefers. This becomes quite the back-and-forth, I claim she's all about rail-thin, musically-inclined punk rockers and she quickly refutes that I'm all about tall, blond with boobs-and-a-tan girls (my awkwardly-intense obsession with Marisa Miller probably doesn't help.)

Why is this an issue? Well, it's not so much and issue as it is humorous. Utilizing your eyes, one can see that neither Ky nor I resemble the others alleged type.

She is a beautiful brunette with no ambition to go blond (and stay that way, please! :)

Me? Well the last time I had long hair, it was parted down the middle as I rocked a Stussy shirt with stonewashed jeans. And I was 12. Rocker fail.

I'm musically inclined if you count playing the recorder for one month in 4th grade. And I sucked at it. Musically inclined fail.

Let's settle this with some good old pictures, names and summaries you won't read. Any order prior to the last two is purely coincidental:

Tamara Brown: Bare with me on this one as she's a bit of a rising star. Anyone familiar with the heavy dose of Carl's Jr. ads run on ESPN knows this girl. Tamara happens to be the only tolerable thing about the Carl's Jr. commercial toting the "steak sandwich" (which happens to look like what you get when you mix LSD, Denny's and onion rings). But alas, Tamara and her blue dress make me forget all about that nasty contraption of pending heart attack. Unfortunately for me, this blond falls right into Ky's argument.
Ky: 1
Me: 0

Cheryl Cole: I'm hopping the pond for this next lady, Ms. Cheryl Cole. Cole is among the growing lineup of gorgeous WAG's from Europe (while I'm blanking on the technical term for WAG, it seems to mean gorgeous woman dating heinous soccer star - save that Becks fellow). I have no idea what she does for a living but something tells me it has to do with looking good and being seen. Easy to do with looks like this. Brunette takes the cake on this one.

Ky: 1
Me: 1

(Ed note: It seems this lovely lady closely resembles another beauty on this list...number one, anybody?)

Rachel Taylor: Most of you will find this pick to be a stretch on my part, but female Australian accents have a way of sealing the deal. You can find Rachel Taylor in Transformers playing the part of a computer "expert". Trust me, if experts looked half this good, I'd call the Geek Squad anytime my freaking toaster broke. Only in Michael Bay's Hollywood, people. The man has an eye (and a tad bit of leverage). Back to blond though, Ky takes the lead back.

Ky: 2
Me: 1

Megan Fox: The trendiest pick on my list, Ms. Fox seems to be the new Jessica Alba. Not to take anything away from either, but every year or two Hollywood spits out the new "it" girl. Not Britney "pyscoidiot" Spears or Lindsay "hotwithissues" Lohan, but rather a girl that no one can get enough of. Maxim, GQ, TMZ, Megan Fox has been ripping away headlines since the release of Transformers and I see why. A brunette with light eyes is hard to beat. I don't think she'll be off the Hollywood It radar for at least a couple more shitty movies. And back on the board for me.

Ky: 2
Me: 2

Marisa Miller: *Sighs*. That's pretty much all I've got on this one. She is to me what Brandon Boyd is to Kylie - number two and not moving. As nice as it is to see Marisa with the much-deserved attention of the SI Swimsuit cover, endorsements, Maxim #1 etc, I'm a bit sad to see her leave the shadows of Gisele, Lima and Ambrosio. Seems like for years I was asking about "that one dirty-blond" VS model. Well, take one incredible picture wearing nothing but an...iPod, and that's what happens. One quick side note for entertainment's sake - Marisa is married to Griffin Guess (which is an old Indian name for Lucky F*ck). Just so happens that Griffin was sitting next to Marisa's mom on an airplane once. He gets up to go the restroom, and while there, Mom Miller switches seats with Daughter of Superior Hotness, telling her she should talk to this cute guy she was sitting next to. So Guess comes back from the restroom and nice old lady has turned into the image to your left. What a trade off! Enter the world's most uncomfortable bathroom and emerge only to meet and marry the world's number one super model? Give me a freaking break! But she does hit just about every one of Ky's proposed stereotypes, so I lose two on this one.

Ky: 4
Me: 2

Kylie Gordon: Save the best for last, without a doubt. First, I have to give her credit for pointing out some previous dating tendencies of mine. Yes, I may have gravitated towards blonds (pure coincidence), but this wonderfully-beautiful girlfriend of mine trumps them all. She's my ace-in-the-hole. A brunette that puts the "b" in hot (makes no sense, I know.) And even though she gets sick of my compliments (most likely due to their repetitive and unoriginal nature), I'm not letting her get off without a fight - she needs to freaking model. I'm proud to say she's mine, which is obvious by the large head shot that remains permanently plastered on my iPhone backdrop. Love you, gf, and you're worth 10 points, so I win!

BAM!
Ky: 4
Me: 12

Honorable mention: Lily Gordon and Jessica Alba

Best instructions. Ever.

2009-03-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

I have a fear of instructions and I don't know why. Not so much the verbal type, more so the written-out, folded-up, you-must-read-me-or-fail kind. I'm repeatedly convinced I can do without such petty orders.

"It's a freakin' drawer from IKEA," I say.*

"An alarm clock? To hell with that, you plug it in and it works, end of story."**

But why do I resist the directions again and again? Here's why - it's one thing to fail at putting together a desk or table without directions. But if you really want to feel like a horses ass, trying failing at this tasks while using the manufacturer-provided help. Just about the time you plug hole 13 with peg A1, your friend walks over and points out you've actually constructed a giant giraffe piñata instead of a table.

Anyway, the time came to replace the printer cartridge at the office yesterday. What comes with this new printer ammo? Super-detailed, CIA-like instructions. Let's take a look:

Step 1: Find a typewriter. Proceed to prime with left thumb 5-6 times.

Setp 2: Locate butter knife. Butter side of typewriter until clicking noise or arrow appears

Step 3: Open trunk of printer.

Step 4: Place typewriter in trunk of printer.

Step 5: Do not look at this crack from up-close.
Step 6: Do not ever touch typewriter in this spot.

I understand we're under an invasion of economic doom and gloom, but no words with my directions? All of a sudden I'm playing pictionary with the flap of a box. Can I get some details?

* I put the IKEA drawer together upside down and backwards. And the front panel fell off. FAIL.

** The alarm clock was set to military time for the first 12 hours I owned it. Had to find a Logitech message board for help.

Best / Worst - Purchases edition

2009-03-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

Ever look at a meaningless item sitting on your living room floor and wonder what the hell it is? Rather, when you bought it and why? This post is dedicated to the periods of purchaser remorse and regret, but also to the few times an item is worth retail fee.

So, I give you the best and worst purchases of the last year. Yes, it's an odd time to do a year-in-review, but I moved to L.A about a year ago. Deal, peeps.

WORST:
The Jawbone II - Noise Assassin
Retail: $180

Hands down (and free) on this one. The only thing assassinated was any chance at getting through a phone call without being accused of speaking into a fishbowl from 50 feet down a hallway. Seriously, you should hear the utter disbelief I get from people when I use the hands free ear piece.

"Why are you in a helicopter with the door open?"

"It sounds like you're talking through a plastic bag, underwater"

"I'm hearing every third word you say, so just repeat everything three times"

Yeah, thanks Jawbone. It's not like I have any trouble with my iPhone's reception or anything. Have I mentioned that on here yet? :)

BEST:
Logitech Pure-Fi Anytime Premium Alarm Clock
Retail: $80

*I am not nominating this item for the name. Did Microsoft have a hand in that? What a joke. Much to the dismay of the Logitec ad team, I associate the word "premium" with cheap, knock off cereal at the grocery store. Whoops.

To my delight, amidst a flurry of negative reviews on amazon (no funny ones, though) this alarm clock has done the trick. The trick is, of course, not waking me up by causing a myocardial infarction a-la my old Sanyo (which I believe ran on diesel fuel.)

The Logitech is compatible with the iPhone 3G, has a two-alarm setting, and can wake you with music, radio or an anxiety-evoking buzz. The iPod music settings aren't too complex - you can build two "wake" playlists (one for each alarm) or get a potluck wake up call. This morning Logitech chose Jay-Z's "99 Problems." Interesting choice, hopefully my alarm clock isn't in the fortune telling business.

It comes with a remote, but I've yet to find the need to remotely shut down my alarm clock. In the event of this happening, I'll make a note to stop sleeping on the floor in the corner of my room.

All for now folks, more reviews to come if I ever have any money to buy another mistake.

And a movie review should be coming soon, I've been slacking on the Netflix que.

ESPN hemorrhages with excitement over non-story

2009-03-05T11:40:00.000-08:00

Imagine the pure joy in my living room last night as I collapse to the couch after a marathon 36 hour work session.

"All I need is a beer (Stella Artois, thanks office), some food and 10 minutes of SportsCenter" I think to myself.

Beer? Obtained and open.

Food? Plenty (as in two pieces of bread and peanut butter).

SportCenter? Houston (Dallas, actually) we have a problem.

Terrell Owens has been released from the Cowboys.

*Crickets*

*More crickets*

Ok great, thanks SportsCenter. Thanks for the breaking news, but now I'm done with it. I really don't care anymore, ok? What's that? You're ignoring my request (and every other sane sports fan's) to shut up about Owens? Awesome. Let's see how you can run this story straight into the ground, shall we?

Cue up b-roll on repeat of Owens yelling at the same people over the past two seasons? Check.

Interview Ed Werder, Steve Young, Keyshawn Johnson and Trent Dilfer while asking the same questions? Check.

Ignore all other current sports news while still showing b-roll on repeat? Check.

Show me a sports fan who gave two shits about this story after the initial mention. Why is ESPN persistent on running this guy in the ground? He got cut, get on with it. What am I - as a non-Cowboy biased sports fan - gaining from an interview with Keyshawn Johnson? And Trent Dilfer? What the hell does he have to do with anything? I can tell you the same thing these guys will say - nothing but expensive opinions. Give me the facts, and get out.

T.O is a cancer. I don't care how much talent he could, maybe, might have on any given Sunday. And don't give me that "it's his desire to win" garbage. Everyone in that locker room has a desire to win. You know what doesn't promote winning? Whining after a loss. Starting shit with your quarterback and tight end. If you can't learn how to lose, you'll never know how to win.

Grab your popcorn, T.O.

See you on the Raiders roster next season.

Your afternoon This-Human-Can-Jump-Higher-Than-Me update.

2009-02-24T14:31:00.000-08:00

Ok, so Shannon Brown's NBA stat line resembles mine in high school (see: zeros across board) but this man can leap. Dig up some old Michigan State highlights if you don't believe me. Or just watch this...

iDive into iPhoto

2009-02-23T23:18:00.000-08:00

With more than 5,500 pics hiding amongst the cramped corridors of my hard drive, I see no harm in sharing some of my archive. From '02 to'08, enjoy the seemingly random photos that follow:

One of the hardest days of my life. One not soon forgotten.

At a family Christmas get together. Not your average band instrument

Ah, yes. College days. Many hours spent on that roof.

Just band practice, that's all.

Red and future knifing "victim"/KU transfer/Boston Celtic, J.R Giddens.
Without a doubt taken at Abe and Jakes.

Pretty sure Roche was issued a warrant for his arrest after not returning this costume.

One of the funniest days of my life. I filled an entire sim card on the Midwest's NASCAR faithful. Proof that skins in public coupled with wife-beater tanline is visually stunning.

Bar Golf '06. Lots of Bar, not much golf.

First sunset at Torrey Pines. We only got 13 holes in. I didn't care,
I was +27 by that point anyway. This was when moving to California went from
an "if" statement, to "when."

But there was once last college hurrah before California. From Lawrence to Oklahoma City to Chicago, I hopped around state-by-state following the Jayhawks into March.
Just one year premature in an effort to track a champion, but I did witness the best
college basketball player I've ever seen in my life.
Behold, Kevin Durant. Monster.

By the way, if any one has any hints on how to make the text wrap around pictures, I'd obviously love them. This looks like some shit version match the caption to photo.

Epic blog post fail.

If two bad teams play in a bowl game, does anyone care? No.

2009-02-23T14:09:00.000-08:00

Has the saturation of College Football Bowl games finally caught up to the NCAA? I know my wish (and another fellow, of reasonable importance) for CFB to adapt some kind of playoff system is falling on deaf ears, but if changes aren't made, I'm guessing we can look for more of this down the road. From the Tennessean.com:

Bowl officials announced Friday that the 2008 bowl had a $9.97 million impact on the local economy — a decrease of more than $17 million from 2007's bowl — proving home teams and hard financial times don't make for bowl games with big fiscal effect.

"It was really a worst-case scenario," said Scott Ramsey, Music City Bowl president. "You have a home team, a team that doesn't travel and a bad economy. So to have 54,000 people come to this game is a success, and it shows how the community bought into the game."

Yikes.

Now I know that's just one game, but I get the feeling this trend will continue unless systematic revisions are made in College Football's postseason structure. You can cut the games back all you want, Committee of Old Rich Guys, but the real solution lies within a playoff system. Don't blame it on the money. It's there - you just have to find it.

(Via TBL)

Enter the rental: The Netflix experiment

2009-02-18T23:11:00.000-08:00

So I gave in.

Gave in to the insanely annoying pop-up ads.

In to the fact that I'd be supporting a service that even remotely resembles Blockbuster*.

In to a service that could easily be avoided (see: any torrent site)

Yes, I joined Netflix.

So here's the deal. During my Netflix experiment, I'll blog a blurb about each flick I get - a mini movie review if you will. Why? Because I work in Hollywood and can't afford to have too many more conversations like this:

Anyone with a hint of movie knowledge: "Yeah, it's just like that scene in Taxi Driver, you know where he goes crazy."

Me: Oh yeah I remember that. The one with Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon, right? Wait, Jimmy Fallon goes crazy?"

Point is, it can't hurt to catch up on the good stuff - classics or not. So off we go. First review? You guessed it -

Taxi Driver - I'm no film critic, haven't even earned my rookie critic badge if you ask me, so I'll stick to the basics.

What I liked: I was taken up in the mental (in)stability of Robert Di Nero's character from the jump. First, he seems vulnerable - crazy, but vulnerable, as if he can be rescued. So who's going to save him? Cybill Shepherd's character, right? Not so. Once "Travis" (Di Nero), snaps in the election office after the first date!**, it's on. I'm thinking ticking time bomb. When's he going to blow? So I wait, and wait...and finally he's lined up, heading down Nut Avenue and boom, he snaps, attempts an assassination, shoots up a building full of pimps and tries dumping the extra rounds in his own temple. The point is, Travis is crazy, yes, but Scorsese had me on my toes throughout. When's he going to blow? What's he going to do? What happens after? He's shooting a .44 cal with one arm and accuracy? I know I just gave away half the house, but I haven't revealed all, I promise.

What I didn't like: Call me a new school fool, but some of the dialogue was more drawn out than a Strom Thurmond filibuster. I know, I know - in order to scrape at a character's depth and build emotional layers, they have to actually talk. Sorry, too many trips around the Wayne's World DVD I suppose.

Overall: B+

Next up: The Kid Stays in the Picture

* Blockbuster ranks right up there with Time Warner Cable in my book. What an awful company. Anyone who dealt with them in the heyday of rentals knows this. A Blockbuster how-to for those of you keeping score at home.
-Charge an arm and a leg for a 2-day rental (which amounts to about 18 hours of watchable movie time).
-Make it painstakingly difficult to return a movie (see: must return movie to same store rented from).
-Take away dreaded late-fee's using a nationally-charged advertising campaign only to reinstate under-the-radar later, hoping no one would notice.

Idiots. Netflix - 1, Blockbuster Free Online Rental Service With Delivery - 0

** Where was Joey Grecco for this blowup? I smell a secret 1976 taping of Cheaters!

Dear Stray Rod,

2009-02-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

Thank you.

Thank you for taking your grease and choke show to New York instead of Boston.

Thank you for wanting to be Derek Jeter and failing.

Thank you for adding to the 'Roid Row lineup of the great Yankees - Clemens, Pettite and Giambi.

Thank you for looking like your wore lipstick to yesterday's interview with Peter Gammons.

Thank you for your blatant interest in personal records, accolades and attention.
*See Peter Gammons interview (2/9/09)
*See $30 million contract bonus for breaking All-time HR record
*See free agency announement during Game Four of the '07 World Series

But most of all - thank you for the two World Series titles.

Love,

Red Sox Fan.

Top Ten Time

2009-02-04T23:31:00.001-08:00

Ripping the top ten idea straight off the girlfriend's blog, not going to lie. But you know what? All my negativity could use an opponent - time for ten things I enjoy. Didn't think they existed, huh? Here we go..

10.) NPR - Yes, I listen to NPR on the way to work. Pardon me if I don't want to be spammed with offers to refinance my home in between Britney Spears' latest attempt at a "song" and news on Madonna's divorce. But more on NPR - how about the last names of all these reporters? Where do they find these people? Enjoy my attempts at spelling a couple names...

My attempt ------------Correct
Guy Risdol ------------ Kai Ryssdal
Lackshme Sing --------- Lakshme Singh
Madeline Brandt ------- Madeleine Brand
Shirley Jihad --------- Shirley Jahad
Susan Valet ----------- Susan Valot
Renee Montain --------- Renee Montagne

What if you wanted a job at NPR and your name was something like Mike Todd? Pat Sajack would be standing in the corner of the NPR interview room like "Uh, next" mumbling "only two vowels? Who is this guy kidding?"

And before you mock my attempts at spelling, please take note that I, on my quest to dominate the 4th grade spelling bee, misspelled "journey", g-o-u-r-n-e-y.

In front of the entire school.

Please hold your applause.

9. Dexter - Who would've thought being a serial killer could be so fun? Hmm, that probably came out wrong. Any who, this show is killer. Wait, let me take another stab at tha...Ok, I'm on a roll.

Bottom line? Get the DVD's or Showtime OnDemand and indulge.

8. An L.A Winter - You can count on two things during the summer in Los Angeles. One, any place east of Santa Monica will be 103 degrees by 10 am, and two, that window-based AC unit is actually blowing heat into your already sauna-fied apartment.

Don't get me wrong, I love the beach and sun and blah, blah, blah but the winters in Los Angeles are just awesome. Never colder than 55 and rarely hotter than 85. Throw in a little bit of rain, a mudslide that shuts down the Sepulveda Basin and I'm all good.

It would be nice, however, if the people of L.A learned how to drive in the rain. Seriously, you'd think we were in Japan and Godzilla was attacking - people screaming, locking up there brakes for no reason, hands ten-and-two, with wipers full speed. Calm down, pretentious house wife from Beverly Hills, it's called a drizzle!

(Screen shot from google maps on a rainy day in LA. Red means if you do not have a helicopter, you're extremely pissed.)

7. LeBron James - In case you had any doubt that this human has the most insanely perfect physique to play his sport (or any other for that matter), I present this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMFk0XAucp0&NR=1

(watch in high quality)

LBJ's frame is to basketball what Tiger's mind is to golf - dominant. 6'9", 276 pounds with six percent body fat? Perfectly constructed mannequin's are pissed about that. And at 24 years old, putting the sky as the limit still seems a bit low.

6. Kylie's dog, Lily - This little devil stole my heart in less than two minutes. A Boston Terrier has now been added to my things-I-really-want-but-can't-have-for-at-least-five-years list.

5. Marisa Miller - Now you know this list isn't in order of appreciation, otherwise this would be one or two. If LeBron is president of the Freakish Physique Club, Marisa Miller is the owner and has three spots on the Board of Trustees.

4. Hot Fuzz - I've had people give mixed reviews about this flick, but I seem to like it a little more each time I watch. Simon Pegg is brilliantly pissed the entire movie, and the parodies throughout are awesome (personal favorites are the Point Break references.)

3. Negative product reviews on amazon.com - Hands down some of the funniest material on the Internet. Hell hath no fury like a ripped off, angry, anonymous consumer.

A review for the book Ulysses -
"It is the only book I can think of where the reader deserves more credit for finishing it than the author."

2. Commercials for 5-Hour Energy Drink - First, the acting - if that's what you want to call it - is on par with MTV's The Hills. Apparently reading is not a prerequisite for the talent - either that or speaking really slow is in style.

Secondly, are people dumb enough to believe there's no crash after 5 hours? If there was no crash, it would be called Infinite Energy drink and you'd be hopped up like Bubbles on The Wire for the rest of your life.

Silly consumers. Want to feel rested? Go to bed earlier.

1. The Audi S5 - Another list of mine, the things-I-want-but-can't-have-for-at-least-ten-more-years, just got a bit more crowded.

If the NFL was officiating this blog, I'd be flagged for delay of game.

2009-02-04T21:44:00.000-08:00

Greetings, long lost blog follower(s). Another unplanned, unexplainable hiatus from the blogosphere, and once again I must apologize.

But let's make no further haste - I'd hate to keep all three of you waiting.

Tonight's topic? The Super Bowl. Outdated? Of course. Irrelevant? Not so much. Before laying into the NFL's pinnacle showcase, I'll give props for an exciting game.

But don't start with that better-than-last-year crap. Last year was David vs. Goliath - the undefeated beast vs. the upstart America's team.

The most intriguing storyline to this year's chips and dip fest was determining who has more maneuverability - Ben Roethlisberger or a three-legged dog in a pond.

But on to my beef of all beefs - penalties and the NFL.

Will someone please explain to me the "holding" penalty in the NFL? Like traveling in the NBA, it's widely assumed that holding occurs every play. But unlike traveling, holding is not clearly defined. If you take more than two steps in the NBA (save LeBron's crab dribble), it's a travel.

So what the hell makes up a hold in the NFL? Let's take a look...

A runner may ward off opponents with his hands and arms but no other player on offense may use hands or arms to obstruct an opponent by grasping with hands, pushing, or encircling any part of his body during a block. Hands (open or closed) can be thrust forward to initially contact an opponent on or outside the opponent’s frame, but the blocker immediately must work to bring his hands on or inside the frame.

Did that help at all? Didn't think so. How about this...

Hands cannot be thrust forward above the frame to contact an opponent on the neck, face or head.
Note: The frame is defined as the part of the opponent’s body below the neck that is presented to the blocker.

Are we playing football or cramming for an anatomy final?

I know, I know, I'm being dramatic. But still, throw in 18! penalties and all of a sudden America's number one obsession (NFL) makes America's pastime (MLB) look like a Usain Bolt - fast paced and exciting.

Stop the presses!

2008-12-26T12:45:00.000-08:00

Stop what you are doing. Seriously, stop right now. There is breaking news from the sporting world. News so shocking that you may need a glass of water, five minutes for mourning and free long distance to call a loved one.

Ready for it?

BRETT FAVRE IS HINTING AT RETIREMENT.

You don't say?! Brett Favre, retire? Why on earth would a 39-year-old with an antique shoulder who just wants to hunt, text GM's and come out of retirement, want to retire?

Brett Favre missed the memo. It is not necessary to retire at the end of each season. As each season comes to a close, Brett, each player engages in what's called an "off season." Say it with me now, nice and slow - offff seeassoon.

A normal off season? Maybe a vacation with the family followed closely by a strictly-regimented workout plan.

But a Favre off season? First, swear off retirement. Let everyone know that you feel "great" and that you "still feel like you can contribute". The day after your press conference announcing your non-retirement, send a text message to your agent mentioning that you have an itch to retire. Make sure this text finds its way to Peter King. Once this headline dominates SportsCenter, hold another press conference and state that you have no idea where all this talk about retirement came from, and that you still feel "great" and "just want to hunt". After declaring your love for hunting and not retiring, simply disappear for three weeks in Mississippi claiming the need "to think about some things". Lastly, emerge shortly after training camp ends and state that you are "fit to play, and still ready to compete". If all goes as planned (and how things have gone the last five years), you'll be ~~playing football~~ holding a new franchise for ransom in no time.

And now, in light of this "event", my least favorite sporting events of the year.

1. The NFL draft (see also, offensive lineman drafted in the seventh round)
2. Brett Favre retiring (considered an actual event after happening at least once a year since 2001.)
3. College Football Bowl Season (see below post)

Amped up for the EagleBank bowl game!

2008-12-08T17:26:00.001-08:00

I'm shaking with excitement as I type. Can you guess why? No, it's not the small cup of fatty caffeine I just swiped from Starbucks. No, it's not the fact that Brett Favre has lost two weeks in a row. And no, it has nothing to do with March Madness being three and a half months away. It's college football bowl season which means it's time to anxiously await games like the EagleBank bowl game, R+L Carriers bowl game, and for all you pizza lovers, the papajohns.com bowl game.

You see when I realize it's bowl season, the soundtrack of my life plays a lonely cricket chirping in a field. Or maybe awkward applause.

Why?

Because the majority of these bowl games are similar to first round March Madness games. While more evenly matched than, say, a 1 v. 16 college basketball matchup, games like Wake Forest vs. Navy, Colorado vs. Fresno State and Memphis vs. South Florida are sure to provide some excitement. But what's the most exciting part about the first round games in March? Your team has the chance to move on and play again! In college football? Nope. Here you go, TCU, congrats on winning the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsetta Bowl! You now have better credit than the team you just defeated.

Ok, Oklahoma vs. Florida has a chance to be a good game - too bad you have to wait 40 something days to find out.

Your obligatory pet peeve post

2008-11-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

What, did you think I found it in myself to quit complaining? Not a chance.

Here we go...

1. Leaf Blowers - Easily the most annoying and useless member of the yard work family. Explain to me the importance and necessity of getting grass off your sidewalk. More so, explain to me the necessity of getting the grass off the sidewalk right outside my window, every Saturday, at 8:30am. *Side note - how bad would it suck to be grass? Think about it. You get run over and chopped once a week, left for dead in the winter, replaced by auto-grass if you don't perform, can't even rest on sidewalks and dogs are SUPPOSED to shit on you!?

2. Sitting through voicemail instructions prior to leaving a voicemail - Thanks, 1990, for telling me I can press 1 to leave a message, press 2 to page this person, press 3 to leave a numeric message, press # to review my message, press * for Spanish and of course, press the end button to hang up. A numeric message? Really? What, are we supposed to be fluent in L33t speak now? Idiots. Shorten it up.
*h3y, gr8 2 h3r3 4rom y0u. Ca77 m3!

3. Can't work the Canon - I see it time and time again, but people who don't understand the basic rules for operating a camera drive me nuts. One, do not take a picture with the sun directly behind you. You will be reduced to a confused silhouette. Two, your flash is not a get out of jail free card for poor lighting, especially at night. If you can barely see what you're shooting, the flash is useless. Three, resist using the flash as a method to heat someone's face. There is no reason to stick the camera close enough to identify a zit from 6th grade.

A generous estimation - when shooting people with flash, no closer than three feet, no further than ten.

Camera idiocy has infected the cell phone-touting public as well. Please sir, your two year old Blackberry will not capture the end zone celebration at the Jets game, especially when you're in the 700 section. What do you think this is, Mission Impossible 4? And even if you do snap what you think is a keeper, when the heck are you going to use it? You plan on showing your friends that? "Uh, great shot Phil, I can get a better shot on google maps."

I'm not saying cell phone cameras are useless, but you'll get nowhere if you don't understand the limitations of your lens.

4. Time Warner Cable - Ah, the grand daddy of them all. This could, and may be, on everyone's pet peeve list. And why limit ourselves to Time Warner? Cable companies in general are a pain in your seat cushion. Just yesterday I called to inquire as to why my Internet serviced had suddenly quit. I did my part, checked the cable connections, router settings and power cycled all the appropriate equipment.

So when push comes to getting shot, I whip out the iWontWork phone and dial up 1-888-TWCABLE. Who is there to greet me? An automated operator of course. But this special auto bot asks for your phone number. Ok, I say, and oblige. Then, I'm dumped into another system - more questions, and again, I'm asked for my phone number. So two minutes in, and I've given out my phone number twice, and received nothing in return except a mind-numbingly excessive message from the hold "music" that "Time Warner is all the best!".

Right.

Anyway, minutes later, after memorizing the hold message while mouthing the words, I'm finally greeted by a human. And the first question I get? You guessed it, what's your phone number. WHAT THE HELL, people!? I called you with a question and I've done nothing but answer them for the first six minutes of this call. I understand this information is to "help us better serve you" and I'm fine with that - under the condition that you use it!

And don't even get me started (too late) on the paper mailings from Time Warner. Please, send me more information about your digital phone service for only $29.95 a month! Maybe this time the envelope will even make it into my kitchen, rather than getting ripped up the instant I take it out of the mailbox.

And I'm sure this is all part of Time Warner's attempt to "Go Green".

Back on the board

2008-11-07T18:24:00.000-08:00

Ridiculousnessocity has been ridiculousness-less for long enough, so I'm off the bench like James Posey. Here we go...

iWontWork
Time to pull back the covers on the device that, not so long ago, swept the nation off its feet and into line - the iPhone 3G. Expecting rave reviews? Look elsewhere.

This phone continues to suck itself into a funnel of suckiness - amidst a bundle of "updates" and other iPhony Apple ploys to cover their tail. Truth is, the iPhone isn't half bad at everything BUT the phone function. Nothing like your calls dropping faster than freshmen in Math 001. Once a day, without a doubt. In fact, a day with just one "call failed" is a day of joy, celebration and a call to customer service to inquire why things are working. Ever hear those "more bars in more places" commercials from At&t? What they fail to mention is that a bar is as useful as a dead wombat. What the hell am I going to do with 5 dead wombats? Seriously, your coverage has more holes than the Chief's secondary and O.J's defense argument (either trial). The latest malfunction has the ear piece speaker choosing not to work at its own discretion. Don't worry, not being able to hear the other end of a phone conversation isn't that important. I mean there's always texting, email and carrier pigeons.

Happy, happy from the US Postal Service!

I could go on an absolute tear (pun intended) about the postal workers here in Los Angeles, but in fear that one may be reading while updating their "to kill" list and cleaning an M-16, I'll resist. However, take a second to observe photographic evidence that someone, somewhere really, really wanted to hear a singing birthday card. What song was it supposed to sing? That, I'll never know. By the looks of the card, it released a noise causing a postal worker to ...wait for it... GO POSTAL. Keep in mind that I made no attempt to alter the state of the card before this picture. It came just like this, inside a plastic bad with a rubber band around it. So, thanks, Postmaster. Way to tear me a new one.

Long distance dilema
I try to stay away from too much personal talk on my blog, seeing that it's visible to any human with a computer and Internet connection (including those wacky Mandanises). But I suppose I'll let you in on the perils of my long distance relationship. That pretty young creature in the pink dress atop this page is my girlfriend. Has been for nearly 11 months. Wonderful girl who I have the absolute best time with when we're together. Problem is, we're never together. I live in LA, she lives in KC. We get about four days a month, and that's on a good month. Sounds easy, right? Suck it up for the 25 or so days in between? Well, it doesn't work like that. No amount of texts, emails, calls, letters, flowers, and smoke signals can make up for the simplicity and comfort of being face to face with your significant other. I'd be lying if I told you I thought it would be easy, but I'd also be lying if I said I thought it'd be this hard. So when is too little not enough? Sounds dumb, I know. I just hope I don't have to answer that question any time soon. If you're reading, Ky, thanks for putting up with me for this long. Its been a hell of a ride.

Yes, keyboards in California still work.

2008-11-03T18:29:00.000-08:00

I must start and finish this post with a profuse apology to you, you, you, her and myself (that covers it!) for taking 45 days off from peppering your monitors with my random, scrambled egg-like thoughts.

I promise, the days of a stale ridiculousnessocity are coming to an end.

As for now, I'm gathering a game plan to prevent a fossil from taking office. Only time, Missouri, Florida and a handful of other meth-producing states will tell until then.

More coming soon...

From King Carl with love

2008-09-14T11:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Chiefs fan,

Hi there. We're glad you're up early on the west coast, ready to spend your morning hours watching professional athletes put on a show. After all, that is what we're paid to do. However, before things get complicated, we would like to take this time to specify how we define entertainment.

Today, against the Raiders, we're going to showcase our youth and depth at quarterback. Please be patient as we rotate three quaterbacks before halftime. Also, please note that our running game is still in BETA form* - but 55 total rushing yards is appropriate when your team focus is on defense, right?

Hopefully we'll have this whole winning this figured out by week 14, just enough time to slide up in the draft for next year!

Warmest regards,

Your 2008 Kansas City Chiefs

T.O vs. Bolt or Ocho Cinco vs. Michael Phelps?

2008-09-04T19:46:00.000-07:00

In a stunning development, it seems that Chad Ocho Cinco* and Terrell Owens feel as if they're lacking in the attention department. These two NFL ball hawks have had it up to here (insert marginally tall, imaginary line) with all the circus and celebration over Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt. What, you didn't know Chad Spanglish was a three time Charles Hadley pool champ? You didn't know Terrell "iPopcorn" Owens was faster (with a 20 yard head start) than Lightning Bolt? How foolish of you to doubt the all-world, all-everything abilities of these two NFLer's. Some say such claims are foolish. But why doubt a man who beat a horse, unfair and no where near square?

Rather than ask who would win their respective contest, I'm interested in which of these races would be more fun to watch?

I'll turn this over to the question of the week.

In classic PTI style, who ya got?

Terrell Owens vs. Usain Bolt
-or-
Chad Ocho Cinco vs. Michael Phelps

*Yes, that's right, Chad Ocho Cinco. Formerly known as Chad Johnson. When your career hits a slow spot, go Diddy or Prince and drop a "formerly known as" on them.

You must resist the Hippie Lettuce at basketball camp

2008-09-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

Perhaps Shady's nickname is coming into fruition. This just in from ESPN.com, but it seems that our KU hoop heroes Rio and Shady were given a $20,000 slap on the wrist and sent home from the NBA's rookie transition program for dabbling in some Keon Clark (marijuana, for those of you not named Red kid) . As updates keep coming in from my tightly-wound KU circle, it seems that Michael Beasley may have also been in the room. Another report states that Rio and Co. were hosting a few lady friends.

Just a guess, but I'm thinking (along with Josh Howard) that most of the NBA knows their way around a bag of green stuff. But guys, why bring a bag of the lettuce to a camp that's probably closer to a D.A.R.E convention than a night out at the Hawk? (Minus 1 for Hawk reference).

I hope this doesn't interfere too much with their respective rookie campaigns, especially with Rio being close to a starting spot.

Live and learn when to burn, fellas.

Google Analytics will break you down, one report at a time

2008-08-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

I was unaware that my overall site visitation number possessed the ability to actually drop as if people were "un"visiting the site. Dear Internet, is such a thing possible?

*Flashback to classic Dwight Schrute quote*
Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.

So back to the matter at hand. Maybe I didn't read the fine print, but why is Mr. Google Analytic playing with my emotions? I'm trying to set a monthly attendance record here, machine - I have goals to achieve!

From what I can tell, the overall numbers are dropping, but the daily visitation looks to be correct. More confused than an LPGA golfer who doesn't speak English? Me too.

So, while I straighten out my count meter, let me say thanks (again) for visiting and unvisiting my site. Also, I'd like send a shout out to my Oregon and Georgia reader(s). Your visitation will not go unnoticed unless Google Analytics feels the need to take you away from me as well.

State Reader Rankings: (CA doesn't count)
1.Kansas
2.Ohio
3.Texas
4.Missouri
5.North Carolina

Get your state on the map, people.

Wade Boggs does not know where your Miller Lite went

2008-08-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

I now present to the few faithful readers remaining, one of the greatest behind-the-scenes tales ever told.

Enter the world of Wade Boggs. Boggs was a central sports figure of my childhood days in Beantown. Anchoring the then mediocre Sox with the likes of a young - and "Vitamin B" free - Clemens, Boggs was an every day hitting machine. All I knew about the guy as a young tot was that he wore black eye paint under his eyes, ate all kinds of chicken before games and could hit a Chinese table tennis spin serve in a full count situation with runners in scoring position to any field.

What I didn't know? Boggs could drink a camel out of the desert.

Of course after his glory days in Boston, Wade jumped ship to the Evil Empire, setting the precedent soon to be followed by Mr. Vitamin B, Johnny NoLongerJesus Damon and Manny TheHumanHeadache Ramirez.

Keep taking the Steinbrenner's money, fellas. We'll take the rings for now.

*Shout out to Pullin The Trigger for the scoop...

Yes, Tiger is that good.

2008-08-20T16:11:00.000-07:00

A neat commercial with the man himself takin' one off a lily pad in a pond.

Tiger: "Stevie, what's this look like?"

Stevie: "Oy, Tiga, go with the water socks and a bullish noine iron, no?"

Tiger: *Flahses chicklets* "Sure thing". *Stuffs shot to 8 inches of pin*

Come back, Tiger. I haven't watched a stroke of golf in damn near two months.

Street parking available!

2008-08-20T15:42:00.000-07:00

Somewhere, the Governor of Chaleeforneya cringes and a Prius owner snickers.

Kite surfing in a hurricane should be on your bucket list

2008-08-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

High winds + human attached to a kite + local television crew = 5 minutes of my morning wasted on the Internet laughing at a human tumbleweed.

Video here...

Make sure to stick around for the slow-motion replay

(Via TBL)

Usainity!

2008-08-19T18:16:00.000-07:00

So I'm behind like a caboose on this one, but Usain Bolt is no one-trick pony. To make the easy comparison, "Lighting" is the ground version of Michael Phelps. Boy can flat out RUN. After making the 100 meter field look foolish, Bolt goes for the 200 meter gold tonight (or today, or yesterday or tomorrow? I have no idea, China).

Sure he makes Terrel Owens look modest, but when you dust the field by two body lengths, cross the finish line slowing down, a shoe untied, arms up while setting the Olympic and World record? The world is in your rear view, Mr. Bolt - celebrate away.

Side note: Mr. Bolt? That sounds like the Sears mascot that never happened.

Admire video editing at its highest level

2008-08-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

It takes a special human to start his or her own business. You must have a vision, set goals and persevere through challenging times. But once you're off the ground, what better way to share your brilliant light bulb moment with the world than a snazzy video on YouTube.

Now I know you have questions, so let me answer what I can.

Yes, you are watching the editor/producer/director make his cuts "live". Yes, this is a real video. And yes, Greg Mandanis is an editing prodigy.

Note the smooth transitions (star cut @ 2:40, anyone?), intricate dialogue ("they can't stick to what they do best") and appropriate costumes (youscreenwriter.com tee shirts with text extending well into the arm pits).

More action, you say? Head over to youscreenwriter.com - home of the Mandanis empire and brilliant headlines such as "Write - Direct - Produce - Get Expert Adive - Share With Others - Sell Yourself".

Sell yourself? What? Hookers everywhere agree.

The rise (and falls) of Alicia Sacramone

2008-08-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

I had a technological break through last night. Using my cumbersome cable tv guide, I located four NBC channels providing Olympic programming, selected a channel at random and actually enjoyed the events I caught. NBC's coverage, while expansive, can be maddening to navigate on the television. With that said, off we go...

First up, Team Table Tennis. I have a really hard time seeing the need for a teammate on a "court" that spans a whopping 5 feet in width. Getting a direct shot to the forehead from your partner's paddle looks inevitable in this event. Nonetheless, it was fun to watch the little white ball zoom across the table after one side initiates the stare at the floating ball serve

Next, Men's 800 meter relay. This was my first Michael Phelps sighting of the Olympics (yes, I missed that relay) but the guy looked like the CIA's secret swimming specimen. I mean it's one thing to out swim the green world record line, but another to dust the camera man. At one point in the telecast Phelps was swimming so fast that the camera operator had no choice but to show only the few mortals in the same shot as Phelps.

And lastly, Alicia Sacramone (also known as Women's gymnastics). After watching the gang of middle schoolers China threw out on the floor, all eyes turned to the U.S Women - or so I thought. Enter Alicia Sacramone. It didn't take long for me to see that this girl was going to generate some serious attention. She's good looking, can throw a mean left hook, represented the U.S in front of a world audience and, well, unfortunately for her, probably cost the U.S a gold medal. Turns out I was right. TBL was all over this as well, but "Alicia Sacramone is hot" was being googled all over the place (reaching the number one spot by 10:30 am, Wednesday morning).

Sacramone didn't have the best performance on the world's largest stage, and apparently some people had a problem with that. Pardon me while I get fired up, but this is why I can't stand Internet comment boards.

From some idiot on the dallasnews.com comment board
James Roberts: You have single-handedly brought disgrace and dishonor to this country. You should be ashamed of yourself, as this country is ashamed of your performance and regrets selecting you to represent us on the world stage.

No, James, the honor of bringing shame on yourself goes to you. Let me guess - mid 30's, white, single, shit job and still pissed you couldn't make the 8th grade basketball team because your Rec Specs kept falling off? People like you are a joke. I may be no better for firing back under the anonymity of my ridiculously titled blog but attacking an Olympic athlete who has dedicated years of his or her life for ONE moment is mind blowing.

Unfortunately for Alicia and many others, the reach of the Internet is limitless, even to the dimwit's of Texas (save Colin and a few other souls).

With Hanging Knuckler on the pine, Sox turn to Hanging Curve

2008-08-12T12:37:00.000-07:00

Somebody alert Tripp Copp and the Byrd's Nest - Paul Byrd is on the move to Boston. I'm hoping for the 2007 ALDS and ALCS version of the pseudo Kelsey Grammer. And this just in from Wikipedia:

Byrd has written a book called Free Byrd about his life, detailing both his devout Christianity and addiction to pornography, among other things.

Holy odd combination, Batman. Useful information if you're the Red Sox traveling secretary as you try and sort out the mysterious $350 charge for "Channel 710" in the hotel.

SI.com is reporting that Byrd was dealt to the Sox for "a player to be named or cash". Deals like this go down frequently in baseball and they always leave me wondering - how much cash and what player? Do the Sox throw the Indians a 20 spot and a napkin that says I.O.U a bit more? What players can and can't be named later?

Further proof that I would flounder as the GM of any baseball team not named the Kansas City T-Bones.

Your Monday morning invisibility update

2008-08-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

So this will be quick and painless, but add this story to your things to watch (get it?) over the next couple of years. Invisibility? Really? Imagine the possibilities! What would you do if you could be invisible?

Me, you ask? Well Kevin Bacon took all my ideas in Hollow Man, but Elizabeth Shue would probably be involved.

Pet peeve post time

2008-08-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

Shootin' from the hip here - time to get after the little sayings that bug.

"It is what it is" - Uh, of course it is. If it wasn't what it is, it wouldn't be it in the first place. Should we also announce when it isn't what it is? Whatever is on a beach in Costa Rica, glad he/she is no longer busy being used as the lamest cop out word or phrase in our language.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too" - Not only can I have my cake and eat it, I should have my cake and eat it. What else would I do with perfectly good cake? I mean it's not ruined, is it? Phrases that could mirror the stupidity of the cake line include:
- You can't earn a paycheck and spend it too
- You can't chew your food and swallow it too
- You can't be a fat cat and fly too
- You can't be Brett Favre and not annoy Andy too

"I could care less" - I recommend not tipping your hand and letting everyone know that while your level of caring is low, there is in fact room for even less caring.

Just the tip of the iceberg, more to come soon I'm sure.

Have a good weekend, readers and readettes.

Favre saga looks to dump Mr. 3 And Out on Chiefs

2008-08-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

Let us pay just a bit more attention to the media black hole that is Brett Favre. Could the Favre to NY deal hit close to the confines of Arrowhead stadium? Reports are buzzing about Chad Pennington to the Chiefs for an old days reunion with Herman "I like defense more than you" Edwards. Pardon while I become less excited about the Chiefs at an exponential rate. Chad Pennington? The first image that pops in my head is Pennington with a shoulder sling on. Any mental imagery after that consists of Pennington creatively executing the incomplete pass. I see where your head is at, Herm. You like defense so much, you're willing to go out and find the guy who will get your defense back on the field in no time. This may be the year of the 3 and out for the ol' Chefs.

I hope King Karl can get something right, for his sake, the Chiefs faithful, for the sake of Whitlock's keyboard and last but not least, Elvis Grbac.

Favre Fetched

2008-08-05T11:12:00.000-07:00

Great opportunity to lay out two birds with one stone - Brett Favre (pet peeve) and Brett Favre (sports).

For those who followed my day one post, you may recall I find any talk of Favre's pseudo retirement absolutely maddening. At that point in the sporting universe it was mere speculation - hearsay, an ESPN driven storyline. But now? My dreams of a Favre-free SportsCenter have been crushed. A couple of errant text messages between agents, owners, Favre and reporters and we have Favregate '08 (part II).

(Side note: Can anyone explain why texting gets the shaft in the media these days? When SportsCenter broke the story about Favre communicating with Chris Mortensen via text, the anchor repeated "text message" like Favre sent Mort a moldy tube sock with a message inside. Is the difference between an email and text that substantial? I'm here to stand up for the quick little messages - even if they're getting expensive.)

Back to the land of Cheese Heads and hunting vests. I'm afraid I lack the perspective to understand why, who and how Brett Favre returning to the Packers benefits ANYONE. Sure, he's one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and still makes plays that people absolutely don't shut up about. BUT this isn't your typical Michael Jordan I want to play for - and own - the Washington Wizards comeback. This is I will hold my old team for $25 million in ransom, return against their wishes with the commissioner's blessing and then (THIS JUST IN) ask for a release-type comeback. What!? Who the hell is your agent AND is he/she/it a carny from the circus with really small hands? Used car salesmen think this deal is shockingly shitty. This is how you want to cap off your 17 year career in Green Bay and thank the fans for their support? The same fans that looked like idiots standing up for you in recent weeks?

What drives all of this? The Wrangler Jeans commercial shoots weren't competitive enough? You miss that "special feeling on Sunday" all the ex NFL'ers talk about? The need for competition, camaraderie and praise? It's called GOLF, Brett. Pick up the sticks, your good ol' boys, and the green's fees.

I can't imagine a bigger slap in the face, Packers fans. He said no to $25 million to sit on the sideline and act busy, said no to playing for you again but said YES to a trade with - get this - any of your division rivals! Just keep all this in mind when Favre once again decides to hang 'em up, take 'em down, call Peter King, text Chris Mortensen and drive me to near violence against my television set.

Please, NFL season, start so you can finish. I've already had enough.

Updates coming...

2008-08-04T17:36:00.000-07:00

A busy week (already?) in the movie biz - standby, I'll get something up soon.

Quality over quantity, people - this will not be a Costco style blog! (Although I do need a crate of salsa for $3). Fat cats, flat tires, Ferraris and earthquakes - and that was just last week!

See you back on the Inter Web soon.

I see you seeing me...sorta

2008-08-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

Back when I first started this blog (a mere two weeks ago), I envisioned a Tom Cruise in Times Square from Vanilla Sky-like scene. An empty arena, a place that looks like someone should be there - merely reduced to random thoughts about fat cats falling from airplanes (yes, I foresaw myself writing about cats two weeks ago).

Well, I'm proud to announce my vision was incorrect. No empty Times Square for you, Andy. Instead? A Times Square with anywhere from 11 to 26 people per day. 26 people in one day!? Sweet mother of all time attendance record!

Naturally your next question (as long as I'm writing, at least) is how do you, Andy, have such connections? How do you know how many people are in your personal Times Square?

My rebuttal: Google Analytics. And not only do I know how many of you read this, I know where you live, how long you leave your browser idle on my page while you step away to do something more interesting AND what you were wearing. Ok, kidding about clothes thing - but I wouldn't put it past the googly eyes of Google.

And please keep your laughter to a minimum as you observe that a hefty portion of my visits come from the Golden State. I wish I could claim it wasn't just me.

I sincerely thank those of you who are visiting. This is a fun experiment and I plan to continue until the hate mail outnumbers the visitors on the site.

Visitors (total) - 366
Hate mail (Grant's comment) - 1

Mistermcc lives another day.

Woman to drop 44lb feline out of Cessna, cat plans to end up in Bejing in time for Olympics

2008-07-30T19:22:00.000-07:00

44lbs from 800 feet - that's enough to bury all the way through to China, right? It appears we've found the perfect subject for operation Buttercup Free Fall. Weighing in at 44 lbs and the ounces don't matter, Princess Chunky! Wow! Was Princess chunky from the jump or did she marry into the Chunks? Either way, someone must drop this furball from a Cessna. Wait, scratch the Cessna - we need something that can support the full load.

“She’s built like a quarterback,” said Deborah Wright, a shelter volunteer and current foster owner of the kitty. “I mean, how do you lose a 44-pound cat?!”

Michael Vick is not amused by your animal to quarterback comparison, Mrs. Wright. And Colin, can you recalculate the terminal velocity for this albino bowling ball?

(And again, thanks to TBL for the lead.)

Gooodddziiilllaaa!

2008-07-29T12:34:00.000-07:00

Wait, no. That was just an earthquake. Needless to say, I was prepared for Godzilla. Or a tsunami wave full of piranhas. You never know what California will require you to experience next. One time, it rained six days straight here in LA. Oh the horror.

At least I was awake for this one. I had a knack for sleeping through them in San Diego.

5.8 on the scale. Los Angeles earthquake number one in the books.

(Thanks, Ky, for the link)

Pack of Ponies

2008-07-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

Not your average day on the road when a line of souped Dodge Vipers looks lame - but that's what two Ferrari 430's, a 360 Spider and throwback 355 will do to your standards.

The boss gave me the fast forward tour of Malibu Canyon roads, pun intended. We dove in up north off the 101 - only to emerge an hour and a half later 10 miles north of Malibu on the Pacific Coast Highway.

Not since the prime days of Mike Denny and his '98 Dodge Ram Sport have I looked for the "oh sh*t" handle to grip in a vehicle. To hell with 8 minute abs, buy a Ferrari and zip that puppy through some canyons - your core and forearms will feel it.

Not that my words ever depict a clear, concise message or image, but in this case pictures are key. Enjoy.

Screen shots of the GPS - Left is zoomed in shot, right covers the greater LA area

Dana's 360 Spider. Check please!

Black 430 followed by a red 430. Nothing like seeing the monetary equivalent of a three bedroom house in suburban America pass you at 160 mph

Yes, a left turn would be useful in the next 100 feet

And just to spice it up, a Lamborghini Gallardo. Love these guys.

While we're on the subject of high class vehicles that I will never own, my nearest and dearest leaky front right tire finally went kaput when I was sniped by a marksman from Bosnia. OR my sidewall was really old and worn out. Thanks, Colin, for warning me that would happen three years ago. I was really on the ball and took no chances by driving around on a cracked tire for 60,000 miles.

A Comi-Con quandary

2008-07-24T00:43:00.000-07:00

If a car leaves Los Angeles at 7:30am headed for San Diego and a train leaves Los Angeles at 11:15 am heading for San Diego which will arrive first? You need to know the speed of the train and car you say? No, no you don't. What you do need to know is that the car portion of this question ran into a bit of traffic. This wasn't your average "I hate the 405 and the lady in front of me" traffic. This was "You will move four miles in four hours and like it" traffic. That's what happens when your semi bursts into flames and lights up a van just for kicks.

Six and a half hours later we entered the Comi-Con zone - it was official when I saw two Storm Troopers walking an Ewok out of a Seven Eleven.

I wish I had more pictures, but I was assigned the roll of TMZ video camera guy. To suffice? A rundown of Trigger Street's wild and very successful day at the Con.

- Taping of AMC's Shootout with Peter Guber
- Interview with MTV News (pictured below, Kevin Spacey and Dana Brunetti)
- Tour ground zero - The Comi-Con floor
- Devils Due Publishing / Trigger Street panel to announce new Comic section on TriggerStreet.com
- Dinner and drinks
- Kevin presents at Star Wars awards
- Screening of TS production of FANBOYS
- Take over Ivy Hotel bar

Great trip, not just for me, but for Trigger Street. I'll be putting together a highlight reel of our guerilla-style footage, look for it on our site.

And I feel the need for a Pet Peeve post coming soon - check back later this week.

Cats do not want you to read this

2008-07-21T21:54:00.000-07:00

File this tidbit of information under the "things to try out on someone else's cat" category. From the amazingly entertaining book pictured to your right.

"What is the best floor of a building to throw a cat from?

Any of them above the 7th floor. Here's why:
Higher than the 7th floor it doesn't really matter as long as its oxygen holds out. Like many small animals, cats have a nonfatal terminal velocity - in cats this is about 60 mph. Once they relax, they orient themselves, spread out and parachute to earth like squirrels. Terminal velocity is the point at which a body's weight equalizes against the resistance of the air and it stops accelerating - in humans it's about 120 mph, reached in free fall from about 1,800 ft.

There are cats on record that have fallen thirty stories or more without ill effects. One cat is known to have been deliberately thrown out of a Cessna aircraft at 800 feet that survived."

A Cessna aircraft!? Who the hell made that a Saturday morning activity?
- Mow lawn
- Clean gutters
- Release Buttercup from 800 feet

Naturally, I turned to YouTube for any visual evidence supporting such wild claims. No Cessna aircraft footage available. Cat vs. Tree will have to do. Make sure to stick around for the slow motion replay and the post-fall cat interview

Paddy goes for the jugular

2008-07-18T15:14:00.001-07:00

A congrats to Padrig Harrington for surviving the Category 5 bogey-fest that was the British Open.

1. Harrington (+3)
2. Poulter (+7)
T-3. Stenson (+9)
T-3. Norman (+9)
T-5. Furyk (+10)

Those are the final round totals? Looks like an afternoon out at Eagle Bend (after 9 holes) with the old stick-swinging gang (side note: I still hate hole number 8 - I'm +23 for my career.)

Perhaps I'm failing to give credit where credit is due, after all Harrington fended off 40 mph winds, an old Shark, a major-less El-Niño and a guy in pink pants.

DICK CHANEY DOES NOT WANT TO SHOW OFF HIS GARDEN
A neat list of places you're not supposed to see with Google's eye in the sky. Some are legit, others just strange. Take a look.

ESPYionage
A classic case of popularity over quality - at least in the editor's opinion. Best game in sports. This year. Goes to...Giants vs. Patriots? It was a great game, a Super Bowl that, for once, was better than the crap commercials that drive it. But better than KU vs. Memphis? I don't agree. The pace of action basketball provides makes this a no-brainer for me. Yes, there were missed free throws and Hack-a-Shaq fouls. I'll take anyone shooting free throws over the NFL replay booth sequence. How awful is that to watch? Cue up repetitive camera angles, slow motion rewind, babbling announcers and unfortunate attempts at product integration like this:

This replay was brought to you by the Coors Light Cold Hard Facts and the Cold Hard Train presented by Coors Light, home of the Frost Brewed, Big Mouth hole, unnecessary blue frosty liner, shitty commercials beer. Drink responsibly. And don't drive after drinking our beer while watching this commercial.

Thank you, NFL and Coors Light. (By the way, players can't endorse alcohol(via Deadspin) but the league they play in can? Hold on, I'm calling Alanis Morissette to see if that's ironic...)

Holy tangent, I digress. Back to the ESPY nonsense. I can't complain about this being a popularity contest, that's what the ESPYs and Who's Now etc are. I'll just complain about the outcome because, as a KU alum and Patriots fan, what did you expect?

The Dark Knight entertains, Derek Jeter dates ______ (instert Maxim 100 name), AT&T is premature, and a guy who can probably beat you at Guitar Hero

2008-07-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

Managed to make my way to a Dark Knight screening on the WB lot last night. Very good movie with an unbelievable cast. Heath was great - completely nailed his role. C. Bale was on par with his Batman Begins performance and Michael Cane continues to make me wish I had a butler ("what will it be today, Mr. McCallie, the 90's Explorer or the stolen 10-speed?). I won't give too much away but the action sequences are unbelievable (look for the Joker's hospital scene - awesome).
I still wish they would make these movies with an "R" rating. Heath was as evil as PG-13 would allow, but throw in some f-bomb laced tirades and graphic knife duels and Ledger's character would've been darker than solitary confinement. But then again, with an "R" rating, you won't have opening week predictions like this.

DEREK'S DIMES
Now on to the "further proof that Derek Jeter eats Lucky Charms daily" section of the blog. Just stumbled across this article. Really, DJ? 6 out 100? What a list to own 6% of. However, he failed to crack the top spot.

(Note: My girlfriend frowns upon my Marissa Miller obsession, so to pay her back for that last link, here's your Canadian boy toy, Ky. Watch out, Scarlet)

AT&T TIPS THEIR HAND
The Web Site guy over at AT&T must've been working off a hangover while managing the morning updates. A little bit of news about AT&T's plan to introduce free Wi-Fi spots around the country was leaked "on accident" by AT&T.

And while I'm on an AT&T kick, their cell coverage makes Sprint look like a dedicated land line. Maybe it's the iPhone, or maybe I've had a bad week, but I've dropped at least one call everyday since owning the 3G-Unit. Get it together AT&T or I'm phreaking my iPhone and switching carriers.

YOUR GUITAR HERO STREAK STOPS HERE
Last, and definitely least, this guy. Was this a contest for "fastest guitar" or "Undertaker lookalike?
(Start watching the video about half way through).

Ichiro Suzuki = George Carlin?

2008-07-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a few days late on this one, but I couldn't resist. Why, you may wonder, has the American League been so dominant in the All-Star game in recent years? The answer lies within the 5'9" Japanese quote (and hitting) machine that is Ichiro Suzuki. Apparently Suzuki channels the late, great George Carlin to fire up the AL squad.

Further proof that old white men are scared of the young, celebratory athlete

2008-07-16T19:00:00.000-07:00

Make sure your local gang bangers get the memo - there will be no communicating via hand signals with your favorite NFL players. I'm sure the league's experts will do a stellar job in their identification of what's appropriate and what's not. Just a guess, but this process will be about as fair as professional athlete altercations in Miami.

I suppose after the Darrent Williams incident, the NFL PR mill was activated for show and tell purposes. Add this to a growing list of questionable, if not idiotic, restrictions in professional sports. The NBA hates your iPod, MLB does not care if you're cold, and aside from the gang signs, the NFL does not care for your imaginary ass being revealed.

Shady still the in shade of Orange Juice Mayonnaise

2008-07-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

O.J Mayo goes Powerade commercial on us and Shady puts up solid numbers. Whats a guy gotta do to get a headline around here? Beat USC at home? Win a National Championship? Congrats to Shady, Rio, BRush Tee, Mother Russia and DJack for getting paid. I'm not sure if they still pay using bottles of Popov in Russia, but if it not Sasha, ask for these lovely ladies.

Mayo with Mustard (ESPN)
KU vs. USC (LJ World)
Chalmers sends Kansas to OT (Sportsline)

Sherron was using the elevator for cargo purposes only

2008-07-14T23:51:00.000-07:00

So good to hear that our speedy fire hydrant / resident bulldog Sherron Collins was cleared of, well, making an elevator even more awkward than it already is.

And props to Josh Hamilton, err Justin Morneau?

28 in one round? Well played Mr. Hamilton, just don't go Bobby Abreu on us.

Collins won't face chargers (KC Star via TBL)
Hamilton rescues derby (CNNSI)
Sluggers can't blame second half (SeattlePI)

Would you like cheese with that?

2008-07-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

To steal from the lamest commercials on television - time to vent. It's pet peeve post one, here we go.

Much to the surprise of my friends, I'm not a fan of cheese. Before you deduce such, it is not a Brett Favre-related issue (although those cheese hats look terrible).

I get looks of shock and horror when I mention my non-interest in the queso.

"Whaaat?"

"You're crazy."

"I hate you."

"Your voting privileges should be revoked."

All are common responses. Regardless of all that, on to the pet peeve. Typically, if I ask for a hamburger, I would assume it is made up of hamburger, with an occasional piece of lettuce, tomato or pickle. If you include cheese with my hamburger, please identify it as a cheeseburger (see that, we named it for you, pissed off waitress lady, so you could tell the difference between the two - how innovative!)

And to add insult to shitty food, on top of throwing that little slice of lactose on my burger, you'll charge me an addtional dollar too. Great. When I tip you, I'll be sure to include that same slice of cheese.

One down, many more to come.

Reviewing my 3G-Unit

2008-07-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

Two days in with the iPhone 3G, so far, so-so. I'll take an O.J (stab) - crude humor, I know- at an unbiased review of this wonder phone.

On the surface (not literally), it's an amazing piece of technology. It took me two hours to realize this little sliver of Mac magic was also a phone. I had no interest in making a "phone call". How boring! Instead, I'll just triangulate my position with the GPS, email you a picture of my coordinates and follow it up with a text message confirming the email's delivery. Phone call? 1844 called for its technology.

On to the Good vs. Evil

The Good:
The Apps store. There's more upside to this part of the iPhone than Kwame Brown in the 2001 NBA draft. For Steve Jobs' sake, let's hope it doesn't pan out along the same path (paging Michael Jordan's talent scouting abilities). I started off basic, downloading the Facebook, Bank of America and Google apps. More on those in the Evil section. Once I got a feel for the store, I tried out Loopt, Pandora and MLB.com gamecast.

Loopt - Very cool, however, "restraining order" potential ranks just below the scene outside a Jonas brothers concert. Loopt tracks your location (via GPS) and allows you to track your Loopt friend's positioning as well. Overall a fun app, but just know, the eye in the sky is watching.

Pandora Pretty much what you'd expect from the web's best Internet radio. User interface is simple but efficient, and the graphics (screen shot on right) show like an iPod album with clear icons for song approval or rejection. The major downside? Pandora won't run in the background of your phone, which means any other activity will cause the music to stop. It's like a last call gone wrong when you can't listen to your Cool Kids station because you just got an email from 1-800-FLOWERS.com

MLB.com Gamecast -

A perfect app for any baseball fan living outside of his or her team's television market. The actual gamecast portion of this app is nothing special, but the kicker for this app is the updated video highlights. Select any game on the MLB schedule and the MLB.com server feeds you video highlights from the games. We're not talking old school, Sprint-style highlights that required a permit, homing pigeon and 2 week clearance process to receive - no, no - on demand baby, delivered right to your wonder phone!

The GPS technology - A must have for anyone staring down traffic issues en route to work. The "maps" function of the phone works as effortlessly as google maps on your computer. With good reason - it is google maps on your phone. Find your current location? One click. Checking traffic? One click. Switching from map mode to hybrid? One click. Finding directions to any number of overrated sushi restaurants in LA? A ton of clicks and typing - but hey, at least you can do it. The GPS tracking is fast and accurate - turn on the track mode and watch your blue dot fly - directly into the trunk of the car in front of you.

And now, THE EVIL:
The Battery- Did someone poke a hole in my battery or is it the 18 hours of constant use I've put on this puppy? This was the one area my old cell phone was strong in. What I'm failing to factor here is that my old Treo spent so much time dropping calls and turning off whenever he so pleased that his tank o' energy was always full. That sneaky devil. Not the case with the 3 Warren G phone. At least you'll have a great time sucking the power out of this little guy.

Can I customize? - A small matter to nitpick, but one of the first things I wanted to do with the desktop background was remove certain icons. No cigar, says Apple. Calculator and Stocks? Really? Maybe for someone who's rich and desires to check the square root of his bank account. I yearn to be in that demographic.

Windows-esque glitching - Pardon my cliche Windows bashing reference, but there are flashes of "Vientos" in my iPhone. Loading the contacts page seems clunky (I'm not even to 100 yet) and Safari goes Don Cheadle and crashes often. Perhaps I'm holding this beast to an unfair standard - but the way people are waiting around (see, myself and a few others) it's hard not to expect perfection.

App Upgrades needed - As I mentioned above, some very popular apps need work. The Facebook app doesn't allow you to post on walls. Facebook with no wall posting? Sounds like playing volleyball with a beach ball in knee-high water - stupid. And with most of these apps, they don't run in the phone's background. Hopefully these issues can be addressed with a new crop of updated apps, but we'll see.

OVERALL - The mail program works great, the SMS texting runs just like aim, saving each individual threaded conversation and the YouTube application leaves you just a couple clicks away from gems like this (Wichita, stand up!) Despite its flaws, the 3G-Unit iPhone is the Paul Pierce of cell phones - there may be some flashy foreign models out there (Kobe), some with more hype and substance(LeBron) but The Truth prevails.

Now go get one and add me to Loopt.

* Side note: If you happen to click on the "flashy foreign models" link, make sure to read the description on that video. Talk about features on a phone! Bar code scanner? Does it pour your milk, too? My iPhone is frowning at me right now.

An official iDiot

2008-07-13T01:03:00.000-07:00

It only took 8 hours, two animal style contraptions and one unnecessary fight. But I have obtained the iPhone. An Apple employee congratulated me for purchasing the toy. An interesting approach to make me forget the last 4 hours of my morning.

I'll pony up the courage for a review in the next day or two.

Pet Peeve on tap for tomorrow.

Posted from my 3G-Unit

On the board

2008-07-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

What becomes of a blog that is never read? Does it survive? Do squirrels start to inhabit the abandoned comment sections? Interesting questions to ponder. Hopefully this blog will not lead me to those answers.

I've wanted to give this blogging bit a try for a while. I cover a decent portion of the blog world on any given day, from The Big Lead, Deadspin and Fire Joe Morgan, to Defamer (TMZ light - hey, I work in Hollywood), and of course, keeping it in the family - Miss McCallie's Elementary Thoughts . I must say, Miss McCallie's entrance into the blogosphere was the final straw. That was my calling, my time to let everyone know who inherited the family writing gene (her), who went to a prestigious university (her) and who cannot spell definetly (nope) definetely (try again) definitely (YES!).

If you're looking at the title of my blog, and can't figure out what it says or why, that's good. A little confusion to draw some attention never hurt. For those of you who know me, you know I will talk sports with a tree, car battery, stain on my shirt or any other inanimate object that will listen to my hatred for Brett Farve's inability to retire. I make no promises to be unbiased in my coverage of the sporting world. My loyalties are set, and as you'll soon see, well defined.

As for the pet peeves, my girlfriend and I started making lists of all the little things that bug us a while back. We pitted the list of pet peeves against our "enjoyments". Like an exhibition game in Allen Fieldhouse, it wasn't close. Not since Larry David has someone amassed a list of of nuisances so quickly. This odd habit of tracking and charting potential thorns in my side all started because I wasn't able to answer that very question - "what are your pet peeves?" I vowed never to be caught off guard again. It was time to pony up and catch the evasive peeves running around my life. I caught 'em all right - all 42 of them (and counting). I'll start sharing momentarily, most likely on a regular basis.

And what about "The Unusual" part of the title you ask? **Wait, no one is reading this. If I refer to "you" and it's "me" writing and reading, what is that, like the 3rd person once removed? Professional athletes everywhere are confused.** The unusual category of this blog is a cop out for me to post such nonsense as this guy, an unfortunate article about NBA players from Duke, and last but not least, a good laugh at the expense of people who take themselves seriously. Thank you, I am still laughing.

So there you have it, I have undoubtedly answered none of your questions, probably left you thinking about things you hate, and made you confused as to whether or not Brett Favre is actually retired.

Thanks for reading (patting myself on back).